


Real or Not Real

by ThisFragileGame



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 07:06:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisFragileGame/pseuds/ThisFragileGame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you remember what you used to tell me? When we were in District 13 after the Quell? You used to tell me to remind myself of things that were real, things that I knew for sure existed.” Katniss’s hands begin to quiver and she tightens her grip on the arm of her chair. “I can’t do that anymore. I can only say: ‘My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am eighteen years old.’” She looks to him again and she is openly crying now. “I don’t know how to finish that sentence anymore.”</p><p>Dr Aurelius leans forward, his hands perched on his knees. “Say it like this. My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am eighteen years old. I was the face of the rebellion. I am a survivor of the Games. I am a mother. Peeta Mellark is dead.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was posted on FanFiction a while ago. I haven't been on there for a long time so I have no idea if it's still on there but I thought I might put it on here anyway considering I use this more often. I've made some minor edits in some of the chapters but its mostly the same. This story was inspired by a tv show that used to be on called 'Awake'. I should be uploading a chapter a day.
> 
> *This story veers off from events near the end of Catching Fire so there are many things about Mockingjay that are different. Hopefully all will be explained in good time.*

 

Katniss Everdeen’s grey Seam eyes stare out the window for a very long time. When she finally looks back to Dr Aurelius, she has forgotten his question.

“Katniss?” Her far off, vacant gaze finds Dr Aurelius and he finds that he can’t stand to look at her for too long. Her stare makes him uncomfortable. It is the stare of someone who has seen too much. Someone who has been on the brink of death only to be pulled back into the clutches of life. “Did you hear me?”

She shakes her head, lowering it to her lap. She thumbs over the folds of her pants, feeling the stitches of the material under her calloused fingertips. She has very little concentration these days. Her mind simply wanders away from her present day life to a place where the Games never existed. Back to when she was only Katniss Everdeen, just another girl from District 12. Back when Gale was her only friend, and Peeta was too far away to be relevant. When it was only her mother and Prim that depended on her and not twelve districts that needed her to be the face of some rebellion.

“I asked you if you were sleeping much these days.”

Katniss scoffs. Sleep. Even before he was gone, she didn’t sleep much. Back before the Games, it was hunger, and worry about how she was going to feed her mother and Prim that kept her awake. After, it was nightmares of the tracker jack infected Glimmer and Rue dying in her arms. Now…...it is an entirely different matter.

Dr Aurelius doesn’t press her for an answer, simply writing something down in his notebook. Katniss hates when he does this. She hates not knowing what he is thinking of her. What is he writing that he cannot share with her?

“We’ve talked about my sleeping habits before,” she says softly. Outside the window, a mockingjay flies past and Katniss has to close her eyes. Mockingjays belong to another Katniss, a younger, less scarred version.

“Okay then. Let’s talk about this ‘other reality’,” he says, his voice dipping into disbelief on the last two words. Katniss sighs. She is used to the suspicion that surrounds her story. After all, anyone who knows what she has been through would argue for insanity. They would say stress plays a part too. But they know nothing of her. They do not understand.

“Why?” Katniss asks tiredly. She blinks to keep her eyes open. “You’ve made it clear you don’t believe me.”

“This isn’t about me believing you Katniss.” Dr Aurelius slips his glasses off his face and rubs his face. It is not difficult to see how exhausted he is of this subject. They’ve been over it for weeks now and Katniss is always insistent, always too stubborn to bother listening to his point of view. Sometimes, he wonders what the point of all these sessions are when Katniss rarely opens up. “This is about me trying to get you to speak. To express how you feel.” He sighs. “Explain how it works then. These two realities. You never have really explained it to me.”

Katniss swallows heavily but there still seems to be a lump in her throat that she cannot get rid of. It is too hard to speak these days. But she feels she must say something. “I'm awake with here with my daughter. I close my eyes, I open them and I'm awake with Peeta.”  

“Two separate lives?” Dr Aurelius questions and there is a tiny jerk of Katniss’s head. “So you can't tell whether you are truly awake or asleep at this very moment.” She shakes her head this time, aware of her certifably insane she sounds. Below on her wrist, she catches sight of a red string bracelet. It has been tightly knotted together, so that it never leaves her skin. The red bracelet means many things. It means living in the Victor’s Village with Violet. It means hunting with Gale to pass the time. It means frequent visits from Johanna and letters from Annie about little Finn and her life back in District 4. It means Prim still alive. But it does not mean Peeta.

“When did this start?” he asks.

Katniss thinks back. Most times she tries not to. Because in either reality, what didn’t change is what started all of this. If she hadn’t insisted on taking them all on her stupid quest for revenge against Snow. If Boggs hadn’t transferred the Holo to her, she might not have kept going. But she dragged Peeta and Gale and Finnick and the others on a suicide mission anyway.

She wasn't even supposed to be there. Peeta had asked her, begged her to stay back in Thirteen but she had refused to listen and Coin hadn't cared enough about her safety to make her stay. After all, she had nearly completed her job as the Mockingjay. Her death, if it happened, would bring the final blow to the Capitol.

She used Coin's reasoning when Boggs was sceptical about letting a seven month pregnant Mockingjay on his taskforce. They were the star squad, just for show. They weren't going into any real danger. She was still quite nimble, could still use a bow. She wasn't entirely useless.

Katniss starts to shake in her seat, pressing her hands against her skull. They came out of nowhere – the mutts. The first one went for Finnick, who led from the front. Gale was backed against a wall, shooting at anything that moved. Then one broke through the front line towards Katniss and sunk its teeth into her torso. Peeta, in his own attempts to pull them off her, was brought down by one attached to his shoulder, then another taking his legs out from under him.

“Katniss. Come back Katniss, it’s okay.” But it’s not. She can still feel the pain, so intense and all-consuming. The pain that forced her to black out to avoid dealing with the mutts.

 

_“Peeta. Peeta.” It was the only coherent word falling from my lips. Strong, scarred hands were wrapped around mine but they were not Peeta’s. They were Gale’s._

_“Katniss, oh my God,” he says, kissing my forehead. “I thought you’d never wake up.” His grey eyes are bloodshot and he looks like he hasn’t slept for days. There’s a thin, jagged line down his neck but he looks relatively okay. I’m glad that he’s alive, I really am but all I can think about is Peeta. I can still see his eyes in my mind, finding me as the mutts tear him apart, and his lips mouthing 'I love you'._

_“Where is he Gale?” No answer. Gale’s eyes turn glassy and the pressure on my hands increases._

_“Katniss, I – I –“_

_I am distracted suddenly because I realise something is wrong. I yank my hands out of his and place them over my stomach, which is much flatter than when I saw it last. I lift up my gown and this is a large, pinkish scar running across my belly. I look up at Gale with fear on my face. “Where – what happened Gale?”_

_“It’s okay Katniss,” he assures her. “You lost a lot of blood and they had to take her out. She’s being monitored right now but she’s okay.”_

_“She?" I gasp. “It’s a girl?” A girl, my own flesh and blood. The thought is so incredibly frightening and wonderful all at the same time. For so long, the being stirring within me felt like a myth. Something so unreal and distant and scary. I didn’t want kids. I have never wanted kids. But I cannot deny a part of me. A piece of me that I love more than my own life. “Gale, where’s Peeta? Is he with her?”_

_Gale chokes out a sob. He looks like it would kill him to speak. “I never wanted to tell you this Katniss. I know, I know that he was what you wanted and I got that, and, and he wasn’t even bad. I couldn’t even hate him because he was so good and kind –“_

_“Gale!” My heart is hammering into my chest so hard I want to stop breathing. Because if Gale says what I think he will, then I will burst into flames. I will become the girl on fire and there won't be anything left. “Please, where is he?”_

_Gale buries his head in my sheets but I still hear his muffled voice. “He’s dead Katniss.”_

Dr Aurelius speaks again when it realises it will be impossible to get another clear answer out of Katniss. “Your mind has done this because it is unable to deal with what happened. It is so traumatic and painful to deal with that you had to create these other reality where you are able to live with your husband as well. It’s guilt Katniss. It’s eating you alive.”

Katniss flexes her fingers and stretches out her legs. She is slowly returning back to her body, out of the tunnel, out of that memory. “You asked me to express how I feel," she says. "I feel empty.”

“All the time?”

 “All the time. It doesn’t matter where I am.” Katniss shuts her eyes, not just to block out Dr Aurelius but to stop the tears threatening to spill over her blanched cheeks. “There is a piece of me missing all the time.”

“That emptiness will never leave you until you let go of him, stop pretending that he's still here. Until you let go of that reality. Until you accept that you are awake, right here and now. ”

Katniss doesn’t reply to this. Her gaze has disappeared again and Dr Aurelius knows she has gone again. It is minutes before she opens her mouth and words come out again.

“Do you remember what you used to tell me? When we were in District 13 after the Quell? You used to tell me to remind myself of things that were real, things that I knew for sure existed.” Katniss’s hands begin to quiver and she tightens her grip on the arm of her chair. “I can’t do that anymore. I can only say: ‘My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am eighteen years old.’” She looks to him again and she is openly crying now. “I don’t know how to finish that sentence anymore.”

Dr Aurelius leans forward, his hands perched on his knees. “Say it like this. My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am eighteen years old. I was the face of the rebellion. I am a survivor of the Games. I am a mother. Peeta Mellark is dead.”

Katniss stands up, dismissing herself from the session. There are still many minutes left but Dr Aurelius will not argue with her. Often Katniss will just walk out in the middle of their conversations, and it is a sign that she has had enough, that she can’t stand talking anymore.

She is at the door when Dr Aurelius’s voice calls out to her. “I assure you Miss Everdeen. You are certainly awake.”

“I don’t believe you,” she answers softly, and she is gone.

* * *

Dr Porter is surprised when Katniss Everdeen sits opposite her. After all, their last session ended in Katniss kicking several chairs across the room, destroying nearly everything in sight and Dr Porter having to call security to restrain her.

They don’t say anything to each other first. Katniss stares blankly into the air and Dr Porter pretends to make notes. She knows enough of the former girl on fire to know of her stubbornness. It is not easy for Katniss to admit she is wrong, and she will not apologise for last time.

After a while, Porter says, “As much as I love this peace and quiet, I’m sure Peeta doesn’t appreciate you wasting money by sitting here in silence.”

This provokes a response. There is a flash of fire in Katniss’s grey eyes but it’s gone too soon, too quick that it might never have been there; just a trick of the light. “He doesn’t care about money,” she replies quietly. “Only me.”

“And that’s why he sent you, no? Because he loves you and he just wants you to enjoy the life you still have instead of being caught up with some fantasy.”

The blaze ignites in her gaze and it holds much longer this time. “You don’t know…..anything,” she snarls.

“Which is why you’re here. So I can know. So I can understand.”

“I’ve told you everything,” Katniss says through gritted teeth. For some reason, Porter gets on her nerves much more than Dr Aurelius does. Dr Aurelius doesn’t force her to talk. He doesn’t challenge her. He merely talks and she tries to listen most times. “Not my fault if you don’t listen.”

“I’m listening okay?” She folds her legs over one another and sits back. “Tell me about the hospital again.”

A wave of nausea passes over Katniss. She presses the palms of her hands over her arms to self-inflict darkness. Every time she remembers the hospital, she remembers both parts. They conflict with each other in her mind; it is almost like her head is warring with itself.

 

_When I awake, I don’t bother opening my eyes. My head is pounding and I know they’ve injected me with something to keep me calm. I feel a pair of lips brush over my forehead and my eyes flicker open for a second. In that second, I do not Gale and his grey eyes. I see a strand of ashy blonde hair tickling my skin._

_My eyes snap fully open and I start to scream. Only when Peeta’s hand goes over my mouth do I stop. “Shh,” he croons. “Katniss, it’s okay. I’m here.”_

_I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming. Tears slide over his hand still on my mouth and he finally removes it to wipe them away._

_“You’re a dream," I choke out. "This isn’t real. You’re dead.”_

_“Katniss I –“_

_“You’re dead,” I yell over the top of him. “Gale told me.”_

_“Gale huh?” An emotion passes in his eyes that I can’t decipher. He looks away for a moment and I can see him drawing the back of his hand across his face and sniffing. “Honey, you’ve been out a long time. The drugs…..they might’ve made you hallucinate. I’m here.”_

_He takes my hand and I can feel the warmth radiating off his skin. I turn and really take him in for the first time. His hair is messy, falling over his forehead. There are cuts and bruises over his arms. His shoulder is bulky from the amounts of dressing wrapped around it – right when the mutts got him._

_He looks like Peeta.  
_

_“You’re alive,” I say slowly. When he nods, I half-jump out of bed into his arms. I’m probably hurting him, I know I am but he doesn’t say anything. My conversation with Gale was just a terrible dream. He’s okay. He’s real. He’s holding me._

_When I lean back, I notice that one thing has not changed. The flatness of my stomach. My subconscious must have been informing me of the birth of my daughter. “Oh where is she Peeta? Is she okay?”_

_Peeta squeezes my hands and I see that he is crying. Not just a few tears sprinkled on his face, but a stream of water pouring down his pale white cheeks. “Katniss, listen –“_

_“Peeta.” His voice. For just a second then, he sounded like Gale had in her dream, when he tried to explain what happened….._

_“You lost a lot of blood Katniss,” he gets out, the words so quiet and rushed he could have said anything. “They, they couldn’t - ”_

_I stare at him for the longest time. My brain has already connected the words together and they are rushing through my body. He is saying….._

_I run my fingers across the slight bump of my stomach. They tremble as they ghost over the long pinkish scar that reaches right across my abdomen. Then I look up at Peeta, who is a shaking mess right now. “She’s gone isn’t she?”_

Katniss closes her eyes and her hands go to her stomach. She feels for the scar under her satin top and imagines Violet, safe and sound in her mind. Somewhere where no harm can touch her.

“One of the hardest things to ever do is accept responsibility. But in your case, you seem to accept too much. You blame yourself for things out of your control. It is not your fault that the mutts attacked, and that you lost a lot of blood. It was just something that happened. You cannot blame yourself for losing your baby.”

Katniss hugs her stomach tighter. “I didn’t lose her entirely.” Violet is still alive, just in another place and time. When she goes to sleep next, when she awakes, she will be as real as the air they breathe. She will be in her arms, small, warm and alive.

“Katniss.” The word is said far too gently. “You trust Peeta, right?” Katniss nods automatically. It's one question she can answer with certainty. “Why don’t you believe him then? He told you that conversation with Gale was just a dream.”

Katniss pries a whisper from her lips. “But it wasn’t.”

Dr Porter sighs. She’s never met a more insistent and stubborn person in her life. “Your subconscious has created this entire world where your daughter is still alive, where you don’t feel responsible for not being strong enough to carry her. But this is real life Katniss. Peeta is real.”

“What if they’re both real?” she asks and Dr Porter throws her head back in exasperation. She’s never given up on a patient. But then again, she’s never had a patient like Katniss Everdeen. Being gentle and kind got them both nowhere at the start. Dr Porter had to result to being a little tougher, a little snarky, just to provoke a response out of the piece of Katniss that was still alive.

“She is gone Katniss. Your child. She didn’t make it. You need to mourn her, let her go.”

Katniss stands up and Dr Porter flinches. She just finished fixing up her office and getting new furniture after their last adventure and she is wary of the same thing happening again. But thankfully, Katniss does not kick any chairs. She strides over to the large window, simply staring out. “I’ve lost one of them. I don’t know which one and I’m not sure if I want to know.” She spins around back to Dr Porter. “What’s so wrong with that? I don’t when I’m dreaming or when I’m awake. I don’t what’s real and what isn’t but is it really so bad?” Katniss buries her head in her hands and Dr Porter stares at her. It’s the most she’s ever said at one of their sessions. She might have a point, Porter thinks. If it seems to make her happy, living these two realities, then why not? Then reason returns to her. Because it’s not normal, another voice inside her head answers. Because one cannot go throughout life deluded with fantasies.

“Believe me Katniss, this is not a dream. Right here and now, you are awake.”

Katniss looks down and there is just the faintest sign of a smile on her lips as she plays with the green bracelet on her left wrist. The green bracelet that means so much and still so little. “It’s funny. That’s exactly what the other shrink said.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Morning. A high, shrill cry rouses Katniss from sleep. She climbs out of bed and automatically heads to the cot in the corner. Her hands reach down and tighten around the crying young infant inside. The cries cease immediately, and a pair of blue eyes finds her grey ones. She remembers another pair of blue eyes meeting hers like that and pushes the image firmly out of her mind. Her child stares at her, and it is like she finds solace in the sight of her mother. She gurgles and lies contently in Katniss's arms. Katniss doubts she can really see anything at three months old but there is still some unspoken connection between the two of them that Katniss cannot explain with anything but love.

Violet, named after the purple flowers Prim picked in the spring, suddenly changes her mood. Her mouth widens and her eyes scrunch up and there is that high-pitched cry again. She seems to remember the reasoning for her earlier waking – hunger.

Katniss sits in the old wooden rocking chair that her mother used to hold her in and gives Violet her morning feed. Being a mother is not something that has come natural to Katniss. She has never had any motherly tendencies, unlike Prim, who is likable, naturally caring to anyone of any age.

(Prim herself would argue otherwise, argue that all Katniss has ever done is show motherly tendencies with the way that she has looked for her young sister all her life.)

But Violet is a part of her, and a part of Peeta; she tries to keep her fight or flight tendencies under control but it is not easy. She must remind herself that she cannot leave, that she cannot run away from the ache inside her heart, let it consume her like it consumed her mother.

The only way she can stop these thoughts is to look into the innocent, pure blue eyes of her daughter.

When Violet has finished, she starts to lightly doze, her eyes fluttering open and closed. Katniss carries her downstairs, where her mother and Prim are waiting for her.

"Morning Katniss," Prim greets brightly. She goes straight over to Katniss and takes Violet right out of her hands without another word, kissing her forehead. Katniss surrenders her without protest, but not without brushing her own lips along Prim’s hairline in the process. Prim has taken to being an aunt at fourteen with flourish and that’s one of the best parts about it all, seeing the two of them together, the two people she loves most besides Peeta.

Her mother slides a bowl of thick porridge towards her and Katniss takes it with a sigh. She is grateful for all they do but it has become slightly overbearing. Since they returned back to the formerly bombed District 12, the two have insisted on living with her. Taking care of her. Feeding her. Doting on Violet. Treating her like she is a kid instead of an adult. And Katniss cannot tell them to back off. She might have once. But she's lost too much. She could never tell them to leave her alone.

Katniss sits at the kitchen table and tentatively picks at her breakfast. She's not hungry. She never is. She's shed all of her baby weight already, so much so that she’s back to her small pre-games self. But she can't get away with eating nothing entirely. Her mother whisks around the kitchen, prodding at her every few minutes to eat. Prim cradles Violet to sleep in the corner, and tries to stimulate some noise to break the silence, chatting away to their mother. Katniss wishes they would stop talking but she just grits her teeth and keeps her mouth full of food instead.

Haymitch enters without knocking as soon as she finishes her third mouthful. He slurs a hello to her mother and Prim and waggles his fingers at Violet. He sits opposite Katniss and her mother hands him a bowl as well. He’s become a fixture in all of their lives now, and though Ms Everdeen tolerates him, she does not particularly approve of him.

Not that Haymitch cares. He’s never been one to worry about what people think about him. He accepts the bowl happily, and Katniss can tell he’s already had one or two drinks at nine o’clock in the morning. He talks with his mouth full, rattling off nonsensical chitchat that Katniss does not pay any attention to. His voice is like a drill going in and out of her brain.

Greasy Sae is next, entering with her granddaughter. Ms Everdeen hands them both bowls and they sit next to Haymitch. Greasy Sae gives Haymitch a dubious look but cosies up to him all the same. Her granddaughter smiles at Katniss who gives a smile back, though it looks like she merely has toothache.

When Gale strides in ten minutes later, an empty game bag slung over his broad shoulders, Katniss has had enough. "Morning all," he says, ruffling Prim's hair and touching the top of Violet’s head affectionately.

"Are you ever going to stop cramming people down my throat?" Katniss asks angrily. All of them stop and stare at her. Prim stops bouncing Violet up and down in her arms; her mother stands over the sink, a soapy pan suspended in the air; Gale freezes with his hands perched over the back of a chair; Greasy Sae and her granddaughter bury their heads in their breakfast. Haymitch is the only one who doesn't seem fazed by her outburst, reaching into his pocket and taking a long swig from his flask.

Gale is the first to move. He grabs Katniss by the arm and pulls her to her feet. "Come on Catnip," he murmurs into her ear. "You don't need to do this here." He drags Katniss out the door. She doesn't protest nor argue. In fact, she relishes the fresh air. She's nearly always cooped up in that house, and the only free time she gets is going hunting with Gale.

She refused to go the first couple of weeks. After experiencing a life without Violet when she went to sleep, a life where her baby girl had disappeared before she could even hold her, Katniss had refused to leave her side. It is easier now though. Katniss knows now that Violet will still be there when she gets back.

The two of them slip under the un-electrified fence and head deeper into the woods. Gale retrieves their bows and arrows and together, without a single word, they begin to hunt. Katniss allows herself to fall back into regular patterns. She moves like a silent, deadly predator and she forgets everything of the world around her. She feels the wind whip across her face, hears the sound of her low footsteps crunching the soft grass. With her winnings, she has no need for this food. But there are many who do, those who chose to come back to Twelve and help rebuild it back to what it was.

When she has filled Gale's game bag to the brim, they head to one of their favourite spots - a wide flat rock overlooking the valley. Gale pulls out a pouch of berries and they chew them in silence. Out of all of them, Gale has been the easiest to handle. They haven't slipped back into the easy friendship they had before the Games though. It was difficult for him – they didn’t speak for weeks and even now, she remembers how he constantly avoided her gaze - to handle Katniss returning Peeta's affections once they familiarised themselves with District 13.

It was like being struck by lightning - realising that she was in love with Peeta. Gale had always been a logical choice: the best friend who knew her better than anyone. She’s sure that if the games had never happened, she might have had a life with him, and she might have been perfectly comfortable, though she doesn't believe she would have ever experienced the all-consuming feeling of being _in love_ that came only with the boy with the bread.

But the games did happen, and all of a sudden, there was a part of her Gale didn’t know anymore. A part of her he would never understand. A part of her that permanently belonged to Peeta.

If realising she was in love with Peeta was sudden like lightning, the actual process itself was a slow burn. Little moments, little things. His infallible ability to just be good, to know the right thing to say. The way his arms welcomed her as they battled nightmares on the train. The way his hand found hers as they walked, steadied her.

The way his lips explored hers on the beach, and the warmth that spread from her fingers to her toes. That was when she knew her life wouldn’t be the same without him, when she knew that if she won, her life would not be worth living.

And when they got to Thirteen, bruised and battered, barely alive, she told him. He didn’t believe her at first, believe these words she never imagined she would say to anyone. But she made him believe. One night, when they were careless and caught up in exploring these new found feelings and touches, they made love for the first time.

Katniss didn't even think about it the next morning. She was feeling too euphoric, smug even. She avoided Gale like the plague, because she couldn't look at him after what she had done with Peeta. Over the next few weeks, their relationship was icy while she and Peeta simply grew closer. They avoided touching each other in public though; sometimes Katniss felt like it was printed on her forehead what they did when they were alone.

She and Gale stopped talking entirely when Katniss found out she was pregnant. It wasn't planned. She hadn't wanted it but Peeta had been sure. He had done everything he could to ease her mind and it was his words that made her believe she could actually do it, as long as she had him. Before they set off, they conducted the Toasting, because Peeta insisted on being married to her in some form, official or unofficial, and whether she admitted or not, it was what she wanted just in case something happened.

Now that Peeta is gone, Gale has been doing his best to be the friend he know Katniss needs right now. He takes her out hunting when he knows she needs a distraction. He acts like Prim's big brother. He is Ms Everdeen's surrogate son, the man of the house. He is affectionate and caring with Violet like she is his own. He is what they all need him to be.

But even though he fills all of these spaces in her life, there’s still one position he cannot take.

And it’s the one he wants most of all.

"How's Violet sleeping?" he asks after a while.

As if on cue, Katniss yawns. "Wakes up every three hours, either wanting to be fed, changed or just held. Every time I try to pry her out of my arms, she cries." Only when she falls down around 4 o'clock for her longest sleep of the night, does Katniss leave her for Peeta.

"She loves you," Gale says simply.

 _I don't know why,_ Katniss thinks, chewing mechanically. _Why would anyone love me?_

"Your birthday's coming up," he says as casually as he can. Katniss narrows her eyes, because she knows Gale and there is a lilt in his voice that gives him away.

"Whatever you're planning, cancel it," she says flatly.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Gale says evenly. He pops a few berries in his mouth and a tiny smile has taken over his mouth. There are sometimes when they are those kids who met in the woods again. When they forget everything that came between them. But Peeta is like a shadow that hangs over the two of them. Gale cannot forget that she chose Peeta over him, and that there will never ever be a chance for them ever again. Not now. Katniss will never choose another and they both know that.

"I mean it Gale," she says, mustering as much seriousness as she can into her voice. He doesn't say anything else. And neither does she. They just sit in self-inflicted silence until they both stand up and leave the woods.

"I'll come with you tomorrow," he says suddenly just as they reach her house in the Victor's Village. "We'll bring flowers."

Katniss swallows. She was hoping no one would notice. She was hoping she might have the day to herself, the day to mourn privately. But she should have known that they would all remember, especially Gale. It was a day that had affected him almost as much as her. At Peeta's funeral, he had cried with her, something she thought would never happen.

"I think this is something I need to do with Violet. Just us." Gale looks crestfallen so she reaches out and touches his arm. "If you want to do something for me, you could distract my mother and Prim so they don't try to follow me." She tries to say the last part jokingly but she can't quite get there. He smiles though. Because he can. Because he hasn't experienced the kind of loss she has. Or maybe he has, because he's lost her. Not in the literal sense but they'll always be too far away.

"I understand." Katniss opens the door and realises Gale does not follow. "Aren't you coming?" she asks questioningly.

He shakes his head. "I have to get this home to Mom. She'll cook most of it and hand it out later. I'm sure Greasy Sae would like a squirrel," he says with a wink. Then his face turns serious. "Go easy on them Katniss. They're just trying to help."

Katniss's chest constricts. It's all she can do to simply nod. Gale hugs her, only briefly before disappearing down the road. When Katniss enters the house, only her mother remains in the kitchen.

She looks up when Katniss enters but does not say anything. She looks too scared to say anything. She simply starts to scrub the pans in her hands harder.

Though Ms Everdeen wasn’t thrilled about the idea of her teenage daughter pregnant, especially in the midst of a war, she pushed aside her reservations to do whatever she could to help Katniss. Katniss knew she was trying hard to make up for not being present for so long but she let her, because honestly, she didn't know the first thing about children. They were foreign, alien concepts. The only child that had ever liked her was Prim. If not for her mother, she's not sure she would have survived and that stings a bit, relying on the mother she pushed away for so long.

 

" _Please Violet," Katniss begs. She is on the edge of breaking down. She's been trying to feed Violet for hours but she hasn't attached herself yet. And Katniss is sore and tired and grief-stricken. In her arms, Violet stares blindly up at her, unaware she is doing anything wrong. Katniss can't blame her but her frustrations are boiling over. She is so close to snapping…_

" _Katniss?" There is a knock on the door and her mother pokes her head in. Meredith Everdeen gazes kindly at her daughter. "Are you okay?"_

" _Do I look okay?" she snaps. She doesn't want to speak to her mother like this but she can't help it. "She won't feed and I can't – I – I don't know what to do!" she cries and she finally starts sobbing. Meredith grabs Violet from her and puts her down in her cot. She returns to Katniss's side and buttons her top back up. "You're trying too hard. You need to relax."_

" _I thought I could do this but I can't. I can't do it. Peeta – Peeta was the one who –" Her mother cuts her off by pulling her into a tight hug. The two of them have only begun to connect these last few years since the Games. Meredith has done her best to be as involved as Katniss will let her, which is, most times very little. She knows that her daughter, her headstrong, determined daughter, can handle this. It is just a matter of convincing her that._

" _I don't doubt for a second that you can do this Katniss. You may not see it now but there is no one better suited to being a mother to this baby girl than you. We will be here. All of us for whatever you need. But you can do this."_

_Katniss takes in her mother's words. The fact that her mother believes she can handle this makes her feel a little better. She knows Peeta would think she could handle it. He would have more faith in her than anyone, even if she didn't deserve it._

_She finally pulls back and nods. Meredith retrieves Violet and Katniss takes her back into her arms. "Okay," she whispers to Violet. "Let's try this again." Violet makes a noise in agreement and Katniss presses her lips to her forehead._

"Mom." Meredith looks up, surprised. She can't remember the last time Katniss addressed her like that, with softness in her voice and on her face.

"Yes Katniss?" she says.

"I'm sorry," Katniss says softly. "I shouldn't have snapped like that before."

"It's okay," her mother replies, setting down her kitchen utensils. She gives her daughter what she hopes is a kind smile.

Katniss returns it. It's been a tough three months and it's one of the very few times she has smiled since Peeta died. "Thank you Mom."

"For what?"

"Everything," she says, disappearing up the staircase. She doesn't see it but her mother can't wipe the smile off of her face for hours. Her daughter is coming back to her.

 

 

* * *

Night. Katniss hugs her daughter extra tight before she puts her down for the last time. She will wake up without her tomorrow but she will be okay. She will still be there when she returns. And so she says to her daughter what she cannot say to anyone else, not anymore.

"I love you."


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

Katniss rolls over, and falls into something. Her eyes open instantly, and her fists are raised in defence, ready to attack this stranger in her bed. Then she sees Peeta smiling amusedly down at her.

"Morning sunshine. You're not gonna kill me, are you?" he asks lightly.

Katniss buries her head in his chest so that he can't see her cry. The words hit far too close to home. "Peeta," she murmurs. The word feels good on her tongue. Saying it makes him feel more real.

"Something wrong?" he asks and she feels his lips brush over the top of her head. If only she could freeze this moment…...

"I missed you."

"I never left," he replies with a confused grin. "I was here the whole night, right next to you. Sleep was the only thing that kept us apart."

"It felt like forever," she mumbles against him. It's always this way when she wakes up with him. Going a day without him, she begins to doubt his existence. She wonders if Dr Aurelius is telling the truth. Then she wakes up next to him, and she smells the burnt, wood oven scent on his skin and she touches the scars on his torso. She kisses his lips and she feels him breathe into her, and it's like she's breathing again for the first time in a very long time. Peeta cups her face with her cheeks and then releases her. They stay wrapped up under the covers, next to each other for a very long time, just relishing the feel of the other person's body next to them.

Peeta strokes her hair and she feels that a million days could pass like this and she would be just fine with that. "I never got the chance to ask you: how was your appointment with Dr Porter yesterday?"

Another sore point. Peeta was the one who insisted on therapy for the both of them. He was the one who thought it would help them get over what had happened but Katniss had been more than reluctant at first.

 

" _I won't do it Peeta," Katniss tells him angrily. She slams the door behind her but he follows her into their bedroom a second later. "You can't make me."_

" _I'm not making you do anything. I'm asking you to do this. For me." Katniss rolls her eyes. She hates when he does this. He knows that she can never resist a request from him. He knows that she will do anything for him, like he would do anything for her._

" _You can't do that to me. You can't…." Peeta takes her hands and she trails off. "Peeta."_

" _Katniss." He rubs the palms of her hands with his fingertips. "We need to get back to who we were Katniss. We need to start doing normal things. We need to be us again."_

" _I don't – I won't forget about her." She couldn't. Not when she felt for the scar, when she could see Violet whenever she went to sleep._

" _It's not about forgetting her. It's about moving on with our lives," he reasons. He kisses her cheek and Katniss knows she's lost the battle already. She used to be able to win these within seconds. But all the fight has been drained from her. All she can do is nod._

_Peeta smiles a smile that she hasn't seen in a long time and kisses her hard on the lips. Katniss pulls back after a few seconds and stares into his blue eyes. "Don't get your hopes up too much," she mutters. "Come on, let's go to sleep Peeta."_

"It was okay," Katniss says cagily, tracing circles with her fingers on his chest. Peeta waits for her to say more but she doesn't. He doesn't push her either, knowing he's already asking her too much by getting her to go to therapy. "What's on the agenda for today?"

"I thought we'd go to the cemetery today. You haven't been in a while." That's because she cannot bear to. She cannot bear to look into the tiny grave commemorating her daughter's passing without having a panic attack. Looking at the marble headstone makes her almost believe Violet really is gone.

"Finnick and Annie ," he says conversationally. "I invited them. Is that okay?"

Katniss nods. She remembers her outburst at her mother cramming people down her throat in her other life and is glad that Peeta has given her ample space in the last three months. She is happy that it is just the two of them living in their house in the Victor Village and that they have more peace and quiet than she is allowed elsewhere. Whenever she wakes up with him, they end up lying together for hours on end, just lying there and talking. There hasn't been any kind of physical love between them since the night of Violet's conception. Katniss is too scared, too hesitant to allow herself to be so exposed again. She is much more guarded this time around and Peeta doesn't push her. He seems just as happy as she is to just lie next to each other.

Peeta kisses lightly down her jaw and neck. "Come on, let's go."

When they have dressed themselves and eaten breakfast, Peeta grabs a basket laden with fresh cakes and pastries and they walk them next door. Peeta knocks a couple of times and they some low grumbling and things crashing until Haymitch opens the door.

"What you want?" he grunts.

Peeta holds up the food and Haymitch sighs. He opens the door just enough for Peeta to go inside and put the cakes on the table while Katniss waits in the doorway. "How you doin' sweetheart?" he asks.

"Getting though day by day," Katniss answers honestly. "You seem like you're doing bad as always."

"As always," he agrees, rubbing his face.

Peeta comes back and wraps his arm around Katniss's waist protectively. "Drop by if you need dinner Haymitch."

"Yeah yeah," he says, waving them away. They both know he won't make an appearance. He never does.

They walk side by side, Peeta's arm firmly tightened around her. It makes it awkward for them to walk but Katniss will not tell him to let go. Not when this touch is so fleeting. When they reach the graveyard, Katniss closes her eyes. She feels Peeta kneel his forehead against hers. "Breathe."

It's hard to listen to him but she tries. Everyone in this graveyard would not be here if not for her. They are all the District 12 people killed in the bombings. The bombs that Snow dropped because of her.

"You'll be okay," he whispers in her ear. He gives her a squeeze, softly brushes his lips against her temple. Then they reach Violet's grave and her heart speeds up to the point where it should take off and leave her chest.

On either side of the unmarked grave that belongs to Peeta Mellark and Katniss Everdeen's daughter, are the burial places of Primrose Everdeen and Gale Hawthorne. Violet isn't the only one she lost here.

Katniss runs her fingers over the green bracelet she keeps around her left wrist. She wears them to help her distinguish where she is. Green means that Peeta and Finnick survived the mutts attack on the Snow mission. But it means that Violet died as a result of the blood Katniss lost. It means Gale was ripped apart so badly he couldn't be put back together again. It means that while she was recovering, Prim was lost in the bombing that killed so many Capitol children when all she was trying to do was help. It means that her mother will never come back to District 12 because it has torn too much away from her.

Katniss starts to shudder. She can't believe these gravestones. She hugged Gale yesterday. Prim touched her hands when she took Violet from her. They still exist somewhere in her mind. She has not lost them. This thought - that they are not truly gone - is the only thing that keeps her from completely tearing apart.

Peeta wraps his arms around her in a vice like grip. "Are you cold?" he asks, pressing his lips softly against her neck.

Katniss nods. Better to lie. "We should go home Peeta." Peeta opens his mouth once but it closes just as quickly.

When they reach home, he whispers to her, "You can't run from them forever."

 

* * *

Finnick and Annie arrive just as the sun goes down that night. Katniss opens the door and it feels like someone has punched her in the chest. In Annie's small delicate hands is their child, Finn. He stares at Katniss with his green eyes and the sight causes an ache in her heart. They remind her too much of Violet. Remind her of the family they should have been.

Before she can cry though, Finnick lunges forward and brings her in for a large bear hug, lifting her off the ground. "I need to breathe Finnick," she says wryly against his chest. He lets her go with a large grin, setting her down and patting her head.

"You know you missed me," he says jokily, poking Katniss in the shoulder.

"Oh Katniss, how have you been doing? I was so sorry to hear about the baby," Annie says distantly. Finnick bites his lip and Peeta comes up behind Katniss, hands out ready to hold her in case she falters.

Instead Katniss just flattens her mouth into a grim line. "Me too. Come in." She doesn't take offence to Annie's words when she knows Annie isn't exactly all there. She's being sincere when she asks; she just doesn't know it's one of those unmentionable subjects.

Both Finnick and Peeta exchange a glance but they follow Annie and Katniss to the table anyway. They get stuck into the broth and fresh bread Peeta made. Katniss doesn't want to eat much but Peeta continually prods her. She offers to hold Finn while Annie eats and she hands him over. Katniss take the little Odair away from the table, where she can sit alone with him on the couch.

Finn iis loud and curious and fidgeting constantly, wanting to see the world. He wraps his whole fist around her one finger and tears cloud Katniss's eyes. Finnick takes a seat next to her after a while, ruffling his unruly bronze hair with one hand.

"How are you Katniss?" he asks.

"I'm okay Finnick," she says back. It's become her default answer. "How's fatherhood treating you?"

There is a flash of light in his eyes but he makes sure to rid it when he meets hers. "It is what it is," he says ambiguously.

Katniss hands Finn back to him and he takes him with the widest grin she has ever seen on him. She knows he lies for her benefit. She knows how truly happy he is with Annie and his son. He's just trying not to rub it in her face.

"Main course is ready," Peeta calls. Finnick and Katniss head back to the kitchen table where Annie has set out four plates. She takes Finn from her husband and clutches him against her chest. Katniss takes her spot next to Peeta and he squeezes her shoulder before they dig in. During the dinner, Katniss cannot take her eyes off of Annie and Finnick. They giggle and kiss like schoolkids in love. They make funny faces at little Finn who gives tiny gummy smiles. Annie spaces out every now and then but Finnick will kiss her and she'll come back to him. They are so happy it physically hurts Katniss. She and Peeta keep a hand joined under the table the entire time and Peeta tries to stimulate conversation but she can see it is hard for him to talk openly too.

When they go to leave, Finnick draws her into another large hug. He holds her a little longer this time. "You'll be okay Katniss. I know you will." He pulls away and smiles sadly at her. Then he shakes hands with Peeta and exits with his wife and son.

Katniss and Peeta clear away the table in silence. He washes and she dries the dishes before putting them away. When everything has been cleaned, the two descend the stairs for the night. Katniss pulls on a sheer nightgown and tries to strip off her other clothes without exposing herself too much. Peeta would tell her that he's already seen every part of her and that it doesn't matter but she still can't do it. He has no such problem though. He goes down to his underwear without even hesitating, though Katniss doesn't look at him until they are both under the covers together.

"Finn's cute isn't he?" Peeta says after a while as he strokes her head. "We could still have another child one day. I'm not saying now or even soon. Someday. When we're more ready for it."

Katniss doesn't reply because she doesn't have the heart to tell him that she can't imagine ever having another child again. Doing so would feel like replacing Violet. Replacing her when she really isn't gone.

"What would you say if I told you that I could see her?" Katniss asks quietly.

"See who?"

"Our daughter. I see her when I go to sleep." Let him think it is a dream, she thinks. He doesn't have to know how real it is to her. He doesn't have to know that that's what she and Porter talk about, argue about. He doesn't need to know how messed up and broken and damn crazy she really is.

There is a pause. Peeta stretches his arms right around her, clutching her close. "Is she okay?"

"She's wonderful. And beautiful. She has your eyes." She can feel Peeta's wet tears sliding down her neck. "You would have loved her."

"I know I would have." He kisses the side of her face and they snuggle deeper into the covers. "Do me a favour. Next time you see her, you tell her that her Daddy thinks about her every day. That he misses her and that he loves her. Okay?"

"Okay," Katniss whispers into the darkness. She doesn't hear anything more before she falls asleep.

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

"I'm glad you came back Katniss," Dr Aurelius tells her as she sits down opposite him in an all too familiar situation. "I know the last session was difficult but I'm glad you're making an attempt to clear your head, get things straight –"

"Let's be clear here," Katniss cuts in, and though her voice is quiet, there is a shred of authority in her words that makes Dr Aurelius go still. "I have no desire to find out what's real and what isn't."

Dr Aurelius can't hide the surprise on his face, no matter how hard he tries. His eyes widen before he attempts to compose himself. Even then, when he speaks, his voice comes out kind of strangled. "Excuse me?"

"If I live these two lives, I get to have everyone. Peeta; Violet; Prim; my mother; Gale; Finnick. If I wake up, I have to accept that some of them are gone and I can't do that." Katniss stops, sighing. "I don't expect you to understand."

But he does. "It's natural to want to hold onto your loved ones. But that doesn't mean it's healthy."

Katniss smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. "I'd rather be crazy if it meant never letting them go."

* * *

When Katniss reaches her house, she stops right outside the door, hand braced against the doorknob. She can hear hushed whispers from inside and quiet footsteps and knows instantly what is going on.

And she is going to kill Gale.

So instead of entering, she decides to take a detour, walking across the way to Haymitch's house. She has to knock a couple of times before he stumbles to the door, reeking of alcohol.

He grunts a hello when he sees her, and opens the door wide enough for her to enter. The house is relatively clean thanks to Hazelle, who comes around twice a week to keep Haymitch from being buried alive in his own filth.

They sit down at the table and Haymitch slides a glass filled with white liquor over to her. "You look like you could use a drink," he says, swigging straight from the bottle.

She's never been able to handle her liquor but she takes a gulp anyway. She knows technically she's not allowed to drink when breastfeeding but Violet's been pretty good about taking it from the bottle lately so she figures she can get away with it for one night.

Katniss scowls though, when it makes its way down her throat, burning. She leans back in her chair, her glass resting on her palm. "How have you been?" she asks quietly. Strange question she knows when she sees him so often but she's not quite sure what else to say.

"Crap," he answers, but it's with half a smile. "How's Violet?"

"She's okay," Katniss answers. In truth, she was quite cranky this morning and didn't really want to be left with Aunt Prim and Grandmother. It took everything Katniss had to walk out the door, listening to her daughter crying for her as she headed off to Dr Aurelius.

"Sorry about yesterday," he says after a minute, and his eyes briefly flicker up to meet hers before heading back down to stare at a spot on the table. "I know we all kind of ambushed you."

Katniss takes another polite sip. "It's fine," she says with a shrug. "I'm surprised you're here actually. I'd expect you to be over there with the rest of them." She jerks her head backwards in the direction of her house.

"I know you Katniss. You're too much like me for your own good. You don't need all those people. You only need Peeta."

And there it is. The taboo subject. The one thing they've avoided talking about for the last three months. And they both know it too. Haymitch's eyes look more bleary than usual and Katniss simply stares blankly into the air, just the mention of his name causing every muscle in her body to tense.

"I should apologise," he says abruptly, breaking into her reverie.

Katniss lowers her eyes back down to him. "For what?"

"For a lot of things I guess. For not telling you about District 13, and the quell, the rebellion. For not insisting harder that you stay behind in Thirteen. For turning you and Peeta into people you never wanted to be." Katniss thinks back to the way Coin insisted parading them around as star-crossed lovers just like the Capitol had - him with his words and her as the symbol and them not being able to do a thing about it. Because as Coin said, they were just lucky the hovercraft had managed to grab them, Finnick, Johanna and Beetee before the Capitol did. They were just lucky they still had each other, unlike some people.

Katniss always felt guilty when Coin said stuff like that, like it was _her_ fault that Mags and Wiress and the morphling had died. That they'd picked up Annie, that Johanna and Beetee's families were dead. She never asked them to die for her, to sacrifice everything so she could live. They did that all themselves.

(She was glad when they finally managed to rescue Annie though and Finnick was happy again, at least for a little while, and she could tell Coin to shut the hell up for once.)

"I did a lot of things wrong in my time," he adds. "Things I can't take back."

"I guess that makes two of us," Katniss says and their eyes lock. So many regrets.

He clears his throat and raises his bottle to her. "To you Katniss. Happy Birthday."

She offers her glass and they clink the two together. And then she finishes off the dregs of her glass and he drains the rest of the bottle.

 

* * *

Katniss knows she cannot avoid her family for long. So she finally goes home. She opens the door into darkness, which is quickly replaced by light. Smiling faces greet her. "Surprise!"

She attempts to smile back. It's not as bad as she thought it would be. It's only her mother, Prim, Gale, Greasy Sae, her granddaughter and a few other surprise guests.

"Better watch out 12, you're already getting wrinkles," Johanna Mason says, pushing Gale aside, who holds Violet in his arms, to greet Katniss with a rough hug. Behind her is Annie Cresta, with her shiny eyes, and baby Finn in her arms. But there is no Finnick next to her.

 _Because he's dead here, remember_ _? Just like Peeta._

"You didn't have to come all the way out here just for me," Katniss says to Johanna. In truth, it might have been better if Johanna hadn't come. She was too much of a reminder of the battle scars they all had.

"You're not the only one who lives in District 12, you know," she replies, and her eyes sidle up to Gale. Katniss barely hears this though because she's already making her way to Annie.

"Happy birthday Katniss," she says in her light, childlike voice.

"Annie, you didn't have to make this trip with Finn just for me," she says, her eyes falling to the bronze haired little boy in Annie's arms. He's sleeping, hands clutching Annie tightly, otherwise Katniss is sure he'd been jumping out of her arms right now.

"Oh it's okay Katniss, I don't have much to do these days anyway. I'm quite lonely really." She says it so frankly, in such a matter of fact tone Katniss is lonely here, even with her family, and yet she could never admit it out loud. She has too much pride for that.

"How are you doing with….Finnick gone?" she asks tentatively.

"Finnick isn't gone Katniss," Annie says with a smile, her tone gentle, and she addresses Katniss almost like she is a child, who believes monsters are real. "He's always watching over us. He's never left us."

Katniss contemplates Annie's words. Annie's mad, literally, and she's handled her grief and the loss of her husband better than Katniss ever could.

Prim pulls her away at that moment nd she and her mother wraps Katniss in a large hug. To her surprise, they all listened to her when she insisted on no gifts for her nineteenth birthday though they did no such thing when it came to the party. When she has all received their well wishes, she makes her way over to Gale and Johanna who are cooing over Violet in the corner.

"I don't know if I trust you to hold my kid," Katniss jokes mildly as she joins them.

Johanna glares at her but it makes way to a grin. "Get over it Everdeen," she says but she still hands Violet over to Katniss, who kisses her daughter's forehead gently. It's been a long day and it's not even half over. She would have been perfectly happy curled up in her room with Violet all day but even if she can't have that, she's just glad to have her now.

"How long are you here for?" Katniss asks.

"I don't know. Think I'll stick around for a little bit," she answers cagily, taking a sip from her drink.

Katniss wonders if she is the only one that sees the tiny smile on Gale's face before it disappears.

It's not long before everyone but Gale has left. The out of town visitors are staying in the Victor’s Village, in the previously empty houses that never had the chance to be filled by more District 12 winners. She hugs Annie extra hard and kisses Finn's little sleeping head goodbye. Johanna punches her arm good naturedly and announces she'll be around some time tomorrow. Her mother is tidying the house, cleaning away the dishes and Prim is on the couch, curled up with a book. Katniss is tired, ready to hit her bed but Gale pulls her aside. "I know you said no presents but I –"

"Gale," Katniss says wearily. "I still haven't forgiven you for setting up this party."

"Hey that was Prim too," he defends with a smile. "Come on, there's just something I wanna show you. Please."

She cannot say no to him, not when he pleads with her like this. She doesn't want to leave her Violet so she bundles her in something warm and follows him through District 12. When they stop outside the ruins of the bakery, Katniss feels her breath catch in her throat.

"What are we doing here Gale?" she asks, her voice shaking.

He ignores her, striding ahead. He pushes aside the broken door and beckons her inside. Despite her doubts, she goes in after him. She finds her eyes clouding with tears looking around. This was Peeta's place. The walls, the rubble, what she thinks used to be the kitchen counter – they scream his name at her.

He leads her into she looks like it used to be a bedroom. A portion of the roof has caved in but there is the distinct wreckage of a bed in the middle.

"I pass this place every day on my way to your house. Yesterday I came inside. And I stepped on this floorboard…." He takes a step forward and there is a large creak. Then he bends down and lifts the floorboard up out of the floor. Then he pulls out a worn, tattered old book. "I noticed it was loose and I found this."

He holds it out to her and she readjusts the now dozing Violet in her arms so she can take it from him. She flicks open the cover and in neat, cursive writing, it reads 'Property of Peeta Mellark.'

Katniss forgets to breathe. Only when her chest starts to hurt does she open her mouth and suck in oxygen again.

"I didn't read it," Gale tells her quickly. "But I thought you might want to."

She doesn't know if she does. In her hands, she holds a piece of Peeta. Peeta's words. Possibly about her. If she runs her fingers across the writing, she can feel him still….

"Thank you Gale. This is….." There are no words.

Gale moves to her and wraps his long arms around both her and Violet, holding them close. "Happy birthday Katniss."

 

* * *

When Violet is fast asleep, Katniss curls up in the rocking chair with Peeta's diary. She has been staring at it for hours, unable to bring herself to open it. She never knew Peeta kept a diary. But then again, it doesn't seem too farfetched. He is thoughtful, and sensitive, and intelligent. Was. Is.

She finally flicks open to a random page with a heavy breath and reads the neat, cursive writing. _She passed the bakery again today, probably on her way to the woods with that Gale boy. She looked better, stronger than when I had seen her last, like she had eaten well the previous night. I wanted to talk to her, ask her how she was but she just seemed so far away. I don't know how to reach her, or if I'll ever reach her. God, I just want to reach her._

Katniss has to stop reading at that point. She closes the book and then her eyes. She doesn't even remember passing the bakery most days or seeing him watching her. There's no date on the page but she supposes it must be after he threw her the bread, considering she's walking with Gale and he says she seems well fed, something she certainly never was before she learned to hunt.

She barely noticed him back then. She kept tabs on him sure, but from a distance, a distance that kept her from getting hurt, disappointed, anything really. But what would their lives have been like if he had had the courage to fly out the bakery doors and capture her in conversation as she passed? Would she have ever given him the time of day, truly, or would she have been too embarassed to talk to the boy who was last hope, the boy who gave her the strength to keep going?

Probably not, she thinks with a smile. Boys were never a concern of hers back then.

Violet stirs vaguely in the corner and Katniss is brought back to reality. She hides the diary under her pillow and gets into bed, ready to find sleep. For the first time in this universe, she will sleep with Peeta tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

 

When Katniss wakes up, it is time to celebrate her birthday with Peeta. She hopes he might have forgotten but as she rolls over, she knows that there was never any chance of that happening.

"Morning," he says with a smile. He holds out a cupcake to her, with a lone, lit candle. The flame flickers toward her. "Happy Birthday Katniss."

"You shouldn't have done this," she whispers to him, leaning over the cupcake to lightly press her lips against his.

"I wanted to." He puts the cupcake into her hands and the most delicious smell wafts up to Katniss's nostrils. The cupcake is freshly baked, with Peeta's signature chocolate frosting coating the cake underneath. "Make a wish."

She obeys, closes her eyes and blowing until the candle dies out. Peeta pulls out the candle and she takes a bite. It's good, though she wouldn't expect anything less from one of Peeta's creations. She dips a finger in the frosting as if to lick it but at the last second changes her mind and dabs Peeta's nose. A noise like a laugh comes out of her and he smiles back at her. He goes cross-eyed trying to see it, reaching his tongue out of his mouth to try and lick it off. But he can't reach out and after a while gives up, pouncing on top of her.

"Was that really necessary?" he asks, pinning her hands down. He leans down and nuzzles his nose against her face until he has spread the chocolate across her cheek.

"Peeta!" When he starts to kiss and suck away the mess he has made, Katniss closes her eyes and for a fleeting seconds, she's quite enjoying herself. Her hands rise to his hair, tugging lightly and she hears him sigh against the side of her face.

But then thoughts start to creep in and she starts to squirms uncomfortably beneath him. She tries to turn her head away and free her hands but she can't. "Get off me." He doesn't obey, believing her only to be joking. But she is far from joking.

"Get off!" she finally screams. Peeta flies off of her straight away, like he has seriously hurt her instead of trying only to display affection. Katniss sits up in bed, wiping her face and pulling the sheets up to her chin, as if she can stop herself from feeling so exposed. She feels bad for turning him away but the last time they got carried away, Violet happened. That last moment of intimacy led to the most important thing in her life – someone she would give her life for without a second of hesitation. In her mind, they cannot replicate that ever again.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. He doesn't look at her as he leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Katniss resists the urge to cry, biting her lip and holding her chest to keep from the sobs from escaping her.

She catches sight of the half-eaten cupcake, sitting forgotten on the mattress next to her. In a fit of rage, she picks it up and throws it at the wall. It explodes in a shower of chocolate against the wall and Katniss buries her head in her knees, unable to hold back her tears any longer.

She wished nothing would change. She wished everything would stay the way it was. But she should have known better than to trust a wish made on a cupcake.

 

* * *

"We've gone fifty nine minutes without you saying a single word," Dr Porter says, checking her watch. "I think that's a new record."

Katniss doesn't respond to her antagonism. She keeps her mouth shut tight, her hands in her lap, absentmindedly smoothing the creases in her skirt. Her grey eyes seem more far away than ever.

"Care to offer anything in our last minute?" Katniss fixes her gaze to the clock and Dr Porter knows she is counting down the last sixty seconds. When the sixty minutes come to pass, Katniss rears out of her seat and walks briskly to the door.

"Happy birthday Katniss," Dr Porter calls out to her.

Katniss doesn't even stop.

 

* * *

When she returns home from her appointment, Peeta is baking. She is not surprised; he always bakes when he is stressed or sad. He turns around when he sees her enter, a smile on his face. "Hi," he says. He does not welcome her with a kiss like he usually would. He just looks straight back down at the dough he is kneading and she notices that the pressure of his hands has increased in the last few seconds since she has entered.

As Katniss throws her cardigan over the chair, Peeta says, "Finnick and Annie called while you were gone. Johanna left a voicemail, if you don't want your ears to bleed, I'd advise not to listen to it." Katniss unwillingly smiles, only imagining what crude things Johanna said. "I told Haymitch to come over later for dinner but his reply was, 'My geese require my undivided attention.' Whatever that means."

When he's finished his recap, he quietens, as if remembering the awkwardness of this morning. Katniss knows she shouldn't ask but she does anyway. "And my mother?"

He shakes his head and Katniss tries not to feel hurt. This version of her mother is gone, too far away to touch, too haunted by the loss of her youngest and her husband. She's not coming back

Katniss goes over to him, cupping his face as she kisses his cheek. He melts against her touch, the lines of his face softening. His hand reaches out and rubs against the back of hers. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean –"

"It's okay," she reassures him. "It's just me."

"Katniss, you just have to know that – that I love you so much. And you are so beautiful –" She presses a finger to his lips and he thankfully cuts off. She shakes her head slowly.

"No more," she whispers to him. She brushes her lips barely over his and leaves him to ascend the stairs. She changes out of her 'therapy clothes' which are pretty much the nicest clothes she owns – a white blouse and black pleated skirt – and hops into the shower, the hot water cleansing away the unpleasantness of the morning. When the water is so stifling hot she cannot breathe anymore, she gets out and changes into a pair of soft cotton pants and a baggy t-shirt that belongs to Peeta. When she pulls it over her head, it smells like him.

Katniss heads downstairs, and finds Peeta washing the dishes. Whatever he was making is now in the oven cooking and it smells fantastic. She walks over to him, taking the dishtowel from his hand without a word. They dry and put the dishes away in utter silence, as they have done many times before. It's a nice routine, and it makes Katniss think things are almost back to normal.

Just as they are finishing up, Katniss feels Peeta's lips on the back of her neck and thinks nothing of it. He peppers her neck with only the lightest of touches and she smiles faintly. She lets him because the sensation is nice, comforting.

His hands rub softly against her hipbones through her clothes and Katniss drops the whisk in her hand back into the sink of soapy water. This touch is entering dangerous territory. He must know that. His fingers flit underneath her top, brushing against her skin. When she feels his whole body press against her, she turns and pushes him away.

"Don't do that," she says in a low voice, fixing the hem of her top. Her hands are shaking and she can't even will herself to stop them. Why is she so scared?

The answer comes to her quickly. He's held her, touched her like this many times before. But her brain has become occupied with thoughts of this morning. This morning might have been going somewhere before she stopped it. Now she's just paranoid and it's taking over her, filling her brain.

Peeta stands a few feet away, looking like a lost little boy. "Don't push me away," he begs softly. "I need you."

Katniss holds onto the sink, because she feels like she might fall over if she doesn't. "I – I didn't think you were like that Peeta. I didn't think –"

He crosses the distance between them so quickly Katniss barely has time to blink. "It's not about that and you know it. It's about being us again. It's about you being my wife, about you saying that you love me and you won't even get changed with me in the room. You won't let me touch you or hold you without these layers and these walls between us. It's about you never really being here."

Katniss does not look at him. He is so close to the truth that it hurts her to lie. "I'm here," she says weakly.

"Are you?" he asks, his voice rising in frustration. "Because it seems like I never have all of you. Any time I think we're getting close again to being who we were, you push me away. Do you remember being back in 13?" he asks, and the memories come flooding back. They were some of the happiest times of her life, when she felt truly free and happy. "How it was for those first few weeks after you told me you loved me? I want that again. I need that again."

With a shaky breath, Katniss turns around and heads for the door. This wasn't supposed to happen. The point of these two lives was getting everything she ever wanted. But she's losing control. Why can't everything be simple? Why does she deserve this?

She hears Peeta throw something on the floor, a dish maybe. "Yeah, go on, run Katniss. That's what you're good at right? You can't deal with pain or loss or anything that you feel, so you run Katniss. You go hide out in the woods. You hunt. You never just talk to me."

Katniss stops with her hands on the doorframe. She only half turns and she can see Peeta standing there, staring at her, imploring her not to leave him. Because they only have each other. Because they have lost so much that they simply cannot lose anymore.

"I'm losing my mind Peeta," she whispers. "And there isn't anything you can do about it." And before her words have even sunk in, she flings open the door and runs.


	6. Chapter 6

 

Katniss falls asleep in the woods that night.

She hears Peeta calling out after her as she runs out of the house and even him trying to chase her but on one good leg, he's got no chance of catching up with her. She tears off, slipping under the un-electrified fence and hiding deep in the woods. She goes straight to the lake, the one place she has never shown Peeta or anyone. She knows he will not find her there in the dark and she nestles into a long patch of unkempt grass, listening to the water gently lapping on the rocks. Peeta's voice, desperate and strangled, cries out for hours. She wants to go to him but she simply can't bring herself to get up. Everything hurts too much.

Eventually his voice dies out, and Katniss closes her eyes and drifts into a restless sleep. It is lucky that it is summer and not winter, for she would surely freeze to death. As it is, she still feels a little cold in the humid air.

"Katniss." It's Peeta. He must have found her. Katniss rolls over in her sleep, trying to block out the voice. Then the voice changes into a much softer, more feminine tone. "Wake up Katniss."

This time Katniss blinks her eyes open. It is not Peeta standing above her. It is Prim.

"Are you okay?" asks Prim, jiggling Violet up and down in her arms. Katniss's eyes go straight to her little girl and when she sees her face wet with tears, she starts to panic.

"What happened? What's wrong?" she asks, taking Violet immediately from Prim and crushing her close to her chest. Violet's eyes are half-closed, like she is fighting the need to go to sleep.

"You were screaming in your sleep Katniss," Prim says calmly but there is concern clear on her face. "She woke up and started crying. I've been trying to wake you for ten minutes."

Katniss does not say a thing because one of her worst fears has been realised – that she is not capable or stable enough to care for her child. That she will never ever truly have the best of both worlds.

She cannot believe she would ever hurt someone so small and so innocent. The only person in the world who does not know that people have died at Katniss's hands. The only person that right now loves her unconditionally without even knowing why.

"Give us a minute," she tells Prim, and like the good little sister she is, Prim quickly exits. Katniss looks down into her arms and sees that Violet has lost her battle against sleep and fallen into a fitful slumber. She should put her down but she cannot bear to let go of her. So she simply slides down in bed a little, cradling her daughter, and resting her eyes.

 

" _You don't have to explain Katniss," he says, storming away from her. "I get it. I knew when we came back from the games the first time that it was him."_

" _It's not, it's just – would you just listen to me?" she screams in frustration. Peeta finally stops and turns around. His blond waves are messy all over his forehead. His cheeks are pink, on the verge of turning red. His blue eyes are just staring into hers so hard she feels like she should have two holes in her head._

_Peeta's hands go to his hips. "Okay then, I'm listening. I'm right here. Tell me."_

_Katniss stares a little dumbly at him. The boldness she felt only moments before has vanished.. She's never been good at this sort of thing, expressing her feelings, opening up and this is the first time she's really tried to do it. She has everything to say and not enough words to do it._

_So she does the only thing that will convince him that she hasn't chosen Gale. That she will never choose Gale._

_She runs up to him and kisses him hard. He responds just as enthusiastically, forgetting his reservations, arms snaking around her waist. He holds her so tightly, like he will never ever let her go and the more she thinks about that idea, the more she finds that she finds herself perfectly okay with that._

_When he pulls back, a mixture of surprise and joy on his face, she leans in and grazes her lips against his ear. "I was never good at saying something."_

Katniss opens her eyes after a while, and her thoughts are plagued with Peeta. She wonders if he will ever find the body she left behind in the woods and what he will say to her. Probably make her go to more therapy, stick her in a mental hospital where they can marvel at the fragile mind of the girl on fire, who is now more like the girl buried in ashes.

When her stomach begins to rumble so intensely she cannot ignore it any longer, she puts Violet down in her cot and heads downstairs. Thankfully, the only people in her kitchen today are her mother and Prim. But still, the morning's young. There is still plenty of time for people to show up unexpectedly.

"Morning Katniss," her mother greets cheerfully. Like always, she sets down a plate for breakfast in front of Katniss. This morning it is a stack of freshly toasted bread, thickly buttered.

Katniss stares down at it for a moment, allowing the scent to simply drift upwards to her nose. It is heavenly but she cannot enjoy it. There are several grains littered throughout it, a bread that Peeta makes routinely and the sight makes her sick to her stomach.

She tips her head up at her mother, who is washing down the benches. "Where did you get this from?" she asks icily.

"Haymitch ordered a box from The Capitol and he gave us some." Meredith frowns. "Do you not like eggs?"

Eggs? Katniss looks down and sure enough, there is a white rimmed egg with a creamy gold yolk centre staring back up at her.

She backs out of her chair so fast she stumbles and collapses to the ground. Her mother and Prim run to her straight away to help her up but she refuses to let them touch her, backing away on her hands and knees as quickly as she can. "Stay away from me," she tells them, until her hands reach the wall behind her and she realises she has run out of room.

"Katniss, what's wrong?" asks Prim, fear and worry compounded in her baby blue eyes.

"Just stay away, I don't want to hurt you or anything," she mumbles, burying her head in her hands. The bread was just a hallucination. It was not real.

"Katniss –" Meredith doesn't finish her sentence because Katniss leaps to her feet, pushing past them until she is safely in her room. And then she locks the door, not just to keep other people out, but to keep herself in.

She wastes away her day in her room. She feeds Violet, changes Violet, holds Violet. While Violet sleeps, Katniss sits in her rocking chair, just staring out the window. She has never really believed she's crazy, even if she is living two lives. But now she believes it more than ever.

Both her mother and Prim knock every few hours but she doesn't want to answer them. Their voices plead through the door for her to come out, to eat something, talk about what happened but she ignores them. As night falls, she hears a rustling noise. Then a face appears at her window.

"Gale!" she hisses. Gale is hanging onto her second story bedroom window by the tips of his fingers, the top of his dark head barely visible.

"A little help here?" She runs over to the window and helps reel him in. He falls onto her bedroom floor with a groan, massaging his ribs. There is small container in his hands that he is tightly clutching.

"What are you doing here Gale?" she asks as he lies on the floor, catching his breath.

He holds the container up to her. "Brought food," he wheezes, slowly getting to his feet.

Despite not wanting to smile, Katniss does. She takes it from her and gives it a sniff. "You're lucky," she says, her hunger winning out over her desire to stay alone. Gale grins at her and she hits him in the chest good naturedly. "My mother send you?"

"No, no I come of my own accord," he says, holding up his hands to plead innocence. "But I didn't come to see you."

Katniss frowns until she sees him make his way over to Violet, who is gurgling quietly. Katniss rolls her eyes. He came to see Violet.

"Funnily enough, I don't mind. She's more fun than I am anyway." The three of them sit on Katniss's bed while she devours the food Gale has brought her. Gale chats away, bouncing Violet in his arms and Katniss just sits there, content to listen. It should be Peeta sitting next to her, holding their child in his arms. Why don't they get this?

When Katniss has finished, her full, heavy body feels tired. She lies down in bed, leaning against Gale's side as sleep tries to force her under.

"Are you going to stay?" she asks softly.

"If you want me to," he replies and she doesn't answer. Her eyes close and in her mind, she hears Peeta's voice, _Always._ He said he would stay with her always.

Just as she fades into unconsciousness, she rambles, "I see Peeta. When I go to sleep, he's there. And I'm trying really hard to make him happy but I don't know what to do Gale. I don't know what to do."

Then Katniss rolls over, suddenly asleep. Gale only stares down at her, confused by her words. But he lets it slide though, because he knows Katniss barely sleeps these days. With Violet in one hand, he strokes the top of Katniss's head until he too falls asleep.

* * *

When Katniss wakes, Gale's body warmth has disappeared and Peeta is sitting cross legged opposite her. She sits up slowly, avoiding his gaze as much as possible. He has draped a blanket over her body in the course of the night and she shrugs it off into the grass. She wonders how he found her; he must have been looking all night, searching every inch of the woods until he came upon her.

She stretches out her body slowly, and finally lifts her eyes to look at him. He looks like he hasn't slept a single wink, dark shadows under his eyes, his blonde hair mussed. He is so still, like a statue. He doesn't even move when she does. He just watches her movements carefully, like he half-expects her to run again.

"I'm sorry," she says lamely. Her apology seems empty. But she can't think of anything else to say.

Peeta's eyes are so wide for someone so tired looking. He hasn't blinked yet. "My fault."

Neither of them says anything for a while, just sitting in silence. The sky is still a mixture of gold and pink; it can't be more than six o'clock. Birds chirp in the background, beginning to wake.

All of a sudden, Katniss breaks down, crying into her hands. At this, Peeta moves to her, taking her in his arms, albeit hesitantly.

"Don't make me go back to therapy Peeta please," she implores him. "I – I can't do it anymore please."

She expects an argument out of him, especially after her own admission of craziness earlier. She expects him to tell her how important it is for her to keep going, how they both need it to grow and move forward.

But all he says is, voice muffled by her hair, "I love you. More than my own life. More than words can say."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since the last update, I've been without internet for a while. Anyway, here it is!

 

He carries her the whole way home. She holds onto him as if her life depends on it, when it does really. Her hands lock around his neck and he clutches her to his chest. He holds her as steadily as he can but still she jostles as his artificial leg hits the ground. When they get home, he gently deposits her in her bed, wrapping the quilt up high around her neck. Just as he goes to leave her, Katniss grabs at his clothes.

"Don't go Peeta," she says, her voice breaking on his name. He stares at her for a moment before climbing in next to her, unable to leave her. She buries her face in his top, crying into the fabric. They lie like that for a long time, just holding each other. Finally, when the weeping has stopped, Katniss lifts her head up to look into Peeta's blue eyes. "You won't make me go back, will you?"

Peeta wipes away the hair that has stuck in sweat to her forehead. "Not if you don't want to." Relief floods her, and she goes to lie back down next to him before he tucks a finger under her chin and forces her to look at him. "But that doesn't mean you shouldn't." He pauses, biting his bottom lip. "You said before, you said you felt…..crazy." Katniss averts her eyes now, afraid she's said too much. "What – what's going on?"

"I don't know really," she admits. "When I'm asleep, I see our daughter Peeta. The one we should have had. She's alive."

Peeta sighs, his eyes going glassy. "It's just a dream Katniss."

Katniss props herself up on her elbows. She knew he wouldn't understand. "What if this is just a dream? What if this isn't real?"

"I'm not a dream Katniss. I'm real." He puts her hand over his heart. "Don't I seem real?"

And he does. She can feel his heartbeat under her palm. She slips a hand under his shirt and she can feel the panels of his stomach. She can feel the warmth of his skin radiating through her fingertips. She can _feel_ it all.

"Kiss me Peeta," she says softly. He deliberates for a moment before lowering his head and gently kissing her. Then he pulls back, watching for her reaction. She stares up at him, both of her hands now under his shirt, tracing circles on his stomach.

"Did that seem real to you?" he finally asks.

A tiny smile tugs at her lips. "Yes." Then she lifts her body up and pushes Peeta onto his back. She half climbs on top of him, just gazing down into his eyes. He looks up at her, surprised at her sudden movements but not questioning. She leans down and kisses into the hollow of his neck and he sighs.

"I'm so afraid," she whispers into his skin. It is then that Peeta notices how her body has begun to tremble and rubs a hand comfortingly up and down her back.

"I know," he replies. She has refused to be intimate with him since Violet's conception and he knows how hard it is for her to expose herself like that again, especially after such a loss. But he loves her, he needs her, and he wants her to love and need him just as much.

She kisses under his jaw, her nails pressing lightly into his skin. Peeta lets out an involuntary groan and Katniss rears back, her eyes reflecting her fright.

Peeta tries instantly to calm her down. "It's okay Katniss. Just – just relax." One of his hands finds hers and he intertwines their fingers together. "Just look at me."

She does. She stares into those blue eyes that she could get absolutely lost in. She's never loved anyone more, except perhaps Violet. Even the love she shares for Prim and her mother doesn't compare, at least not anymore. If Peeta isn't real, if this is just a dream, shouldn't she take advantage of that while she can? Before she wakes up and he disappears.

"I love you," he whispers and though he doesn't have to tell her for her to know, he does and she dips her head to kiss him. She can feel the surprise on his lips at the force she uses. Her whole body is trying to fight her, convince her to run and leave him again but she won't.

Peeta breaks their connection, cupping her face with his hands. "You don't want to do this Katniss."

"Yes I do," she argues.

His eyes fall down her body. "Your hands are shaking."

Katniss pulls them out from under his shirt immediately. She wasn't even aware of it until he pointed it out. "I want to do this."

"No you don't," he repeats firmly and she can't even bring herself to argue more with him. She rolls off of him onto her back, holding back the tears stinging her eyes.

He pushes onto his knees, lifting his shirt above his head. Katniss sees the movement out of the corner of her eye and frowns. Wasn't he the one telling her merely a second ago that she didn't want to do anything?

His shirt lands on the other side of the room along with his pants until he is only in his boxers. He leans over to her and gives a small tug at the hem of her top. When she looks at him confused, he grazes his lips over hers.

"Trust me," he breathes.

And because she does trust him, she lets him tug her top over his head and slide her slacks down to her ankles and onto the floor. Peeta pulls back, staring at her half-naked body for a very long time before drawing her into his arms.

He pulls the covers up around them as they tangle themselves together, lost in the feel of the other's skin. Her body stills in his grasp before her muscles loosen under his touch. Katniss begins to understand then his frustration at never being able to truly hold her without all these layers and barriers between them. Sure, they still have some clothing between them but it's more than she has allowed for a very long time and neither of them take this moment for granted.

Katniss feels Peeta breathe heavily into her hair. "This is all I ever wanted."

 

* * *

 

They lie like that for most of the day, neither sleeping, just holding each other. Sometimes they talk, open up to each other like they haven't in a very long time. Katniss smiles, and Peeta marvels at the sight. Katniss smiling is magnificent, glorious. Their lips find each other's sometimes but they try to limit their kisses because Katniss knows how hard it is for Peeta to fight his natural instincts. There is a distant hunger in her too but she is too damaged for it to quite reach the surface. She knows Peeta wants her and though she appreciates his restraint, she breaks away from him around midday to give him some respite.

"I'll make breakfast," she says, pulling her clothes back on. Peeta sits up against the headboard, a surprised smile on his face.

"You haven't done that in a while," he says, running a hand through his blonde hair.

"Maybe it's time," she replies back, and her words have more meaning than Peeta will ever know. As she heads downstairs to make breakfast, she realises that it is time. It's time to move on with her life. She might never find out which one is real but if the time does come one day, she does not want to regret not taking the opportunity to make every second count. She has to live her life with Peeta, because she might be without him one day. She has to cherish every moment with her daughter, because she might disappear. She can't waste any more time, lamenting over what she doesn't have.

Katniss grabs the loaf of bread Peeta baked yesterday and begins to slice it into even pieces. She's never been a good cook but she tries really hard this morning for Peeta. While they toast in the oven, she sets about cleaning the dried flour on the bench; Peeta must have left it there when he chased after her.

She completely forgets about the bread until she smells something burning. Quickly flinging open the oven door, she almost burns her fingertips trying to get the bread out. Luckily only the edges have crisped but she manages to break them off.

"Burning the house down?" She turns and sees Peeta descending the stairs, tying the drawstrings on his slacks. He grins at her and she jokingly pushes him away.

"Don't make fun," she says. "Or you'll get nothing."

"Sorry," he apologises, taking a piece and stuffing into his mouth. "I take it back. You are the most amazing cook that there ever was."

"That's better."

 

* * *

 

It becomes a very lazy day for the two of them. They sit on the couch, talking and laughing. Peeta pulls out his supply of paints and draws her, making her look more alive on the canvas than she has felt in a long time. They make cupcakes together and Peeta reluctantly lets her frost them; it's quite amusing really, how protective he is over his works of art. He hovers over her shoulder the whole time, scrutinising every drop of frosting that goes on the cupcakes; eventually she turns around and squirts the frosting gun right into his face. He doesn't even berate her because he knows he deserves it after how finicky he was being. He just smiles and attempts to lick it off his face with his own tongue while Katniss laughs.

When they sit down to dinner, Peeta drops his cutlery suddenly onto his plate. The loud noise startles her.

"Something wrong?"

Peeta reaches across the table and takes her hand in his. "I don't want to wake up tomorrow and all this laughing and smiling is gone. I don't want to wake up and find that everything has gone back to how it was. I don't want you to leave me again."

Katniss gives his hand a tight squeeze. She means it when she tells him, "I won't."

 

* * *

 

When Katniss awakes next, she frowns. She's back in her universe without Peeta but Gale is no longer next to her. She slowly gets out of bed and finds that Violet isn't in her crib either. Where are they?

She heads downstairs and she can hear hushed voices in the kitchen. She thinks she knows who they all belong to, and sure enough, when she pushes the door open, Haymitch, Gale and Prim are standing there. They all turn and look at her, an odd mixture of surprise and….is that pity?

"What's going on?" she asks, not bothering with pleasantries. "Where's Violet?"

None of them answer her. Gale's face is impassive, unreadable. Prim's is easier to decipher. Her blue eyes are contorted in sadness and a sort of helplessness has taken over her face. Haymitch looks more sober than Katniss has ever seen and that _scares_ her.

"Tell me now."

Gale steps forward, offering the answer she needs. "In the middle of the night, Violet started coughing. She didn't stop."

Katniss's heart begins to accelerate. Her hand darts out and grabs at Gale's wrist. She holds it so hard that veins begin to protrude under her skin. She can't believe she didn't wake up. Usually Violet's cries rouse her from even Peeta's arms.

"What do you mean she didn't stop?"

Katniss notices now that Prim and Haymitch have moved from behind Gale to the door that leads into their mother's special room – the one where she brings those who need medical help. Katniss does not like the way they stand in front of it protectively.

Katniss lets go of Gale and tries to run towards the door but Gale wraps his arms around her waist, lifting her off the ground. "Let me go!" she screams.

Prim tries to calm her. "It's okay Katniss. Just let Mom handle this."

Katniss kicks hard against Gale. His grip loosens for just a second, adjusting himself, before tightening again so hard she can't even squirm. "I want to go in!"

"You're no good in there Katniss," Haymitch says. "You need to let your mother do her thing. She needs to focus."

Katniss stares hard at the door, as if she could somehow magically develop x-ray vision and be able to see through the wood. "I need my daughter."

"I know you do," Gale whispers into her ear. "But you just need to relax for now."

"What's wrong with her?" she asks. They have to tell her that at least. They can't keep her in the dark about her own child.

Gale sets her down slowly, hands rubbing up and down her arms. There's a pain in her chest that is getting stronger by the minute. "Your mother thinks she might have pneumonia."


	8. Chapter 8

 

They manage to coax her into a seat. Prim makes tea, scurrying about the kitchen, her lips pressed tightly together. Haymitch sits, but surprisingly does not pull out a flask from anywhere, instead just leaning forward and frowning at the table. Gale leans against the back of Katniss's chair, one of his hands sitting on her shoulder. They all watch Katniss, their eyes darting to her every few seconds to make sure she hasn't moved.

And she hasn't, not in a while. Her hands rest on her legs, fingers curled over her kneecaps. She seems to have reverted back to the Katniss she was right after the hospital, right when she started living these double lives. Lost. Struggling. Half-dead.

Her face has drained of colour, her mouth slightly agape. Prim sets a steaming cup down in front of her and Katniss doesn't even blink. It becomes so quiet they can all hear the low exhale coming from Katniss's mouth. It's the only real sign that she's even still alive.

A high pitched cry rouses Katniss from her haze and she is on her feet at once. All of their heads turn towards the door. Blindly, she starts to march towards it.

A hand goes to her wrist and a red glaze goes over her eyes, an almost feral protectiveness. "Prim, let go of me now."

"I know you're worried –"

Katniss's voice comes out like ice. "Gale."

Gale steps forward, perhaps sensing that Katniss is very close to flying off the handle.  Let her go Prim," Gale says, and he slowly moves Prim away. Katniss goes to the door and no one else stops her. She enters, and her mother barely looks up at her. Violet is in Meredith's arms, her face pink, a low rumbling cry coming from her mouth.

There are so many things Katniss wants to ask but her mouth seems to have stopped working. So instead her mother tells her what she is dying to know.

"I've given her what I have and the coughing's stopped. She's still running a pretty high fever and she seems to be struggling a bit with her breathing. We should take her to the Capitol, for a proper diagnosis. Okay?"

Katniss just nods fervantly and Meredith hands Violet to her. Katniss can feel the heat radiating from her daughter's body. "I had Haymitch call for a train an hour ago, just in case," Meredith says. They exit the room and Meredith gestures to everyone. "Prim, go grab my emergency bag. Grab some clothes for yourself and Katniss. Hurry." Prim disappears up the stairs with haste. She turns to Gale and Haymitch behind her. "You two, pack a bag as well and meet us at the train in ten minutes. Go."

They move at once, and it is quicker than Katniss has ever seen Haymitch move in his life. It seems unquestioned that the two men join them, because they're as much Katniss's family as her mother and Prim. Katniss looks sideways at her mother, feeling rather grateful for her presence, for someone who seems to know what they are doing.

Ten minutes later, they are all gathered at the train, even Johanna, who's there waiting with a bag of her own when they arrive. "Gale called," she says as they hurry on board. Katniss just offers a nod, still unable to speak. She doesn't mind at all that Gale has called Johanna to come with him. Johanna gives her hand a brief squeeze and she's rather overwhelmed in that moment about having so many people who care about her, will drop anything for her. She's never been used to this kind of love.

Meredith takes Violet from her before she can protest again, heading off down the corridor. Katniss goes to follow them both but Haymitch tells her to let it go. There are a few medics on board with more than enough supplies to treat Violet until they get to The Capitol. Her presence will only distract them, he tells her. She should get some rest, Johanna suggests. Only Gale says nothing. Perhaps he knows that there is nothing either of them can say to relax her when her child is very sick.

The rest of the day passes painfully slow. Katniss refuses any food, simply sitting in one of the booths and staring out the window. Every inch of terrain they pass brings them closer to The Capitol. They will be there tomorrow morning. But it is not soon enough.

When night falls down on them, Meredith finds Katniss. Her face is drawn, her exhaustion evident but Katniss sees nothing to suggest Violet has taken a turn for the worse. "You want to go see her?"

Katniss stands up at once. As if she even has to ask.

She follows her mother to a darkly lit room and has to choke back tears. Violet is in a plastic box, wires going in and out of her body. Her tiny chest moves slowly up and down with her breathing, her hands contorted into fists.

"Don't be alarmed Katniss. It's all just precautionary. They want to do all they can to make sure she gets better." Her mother kisses her forehead. "I'll leave you two. Don't stay long."

Katniss pulls up a chair next to Violet, retrieving Peeta's diary from her bag. She grabbed it on a whim when they left and is now glad she thought to bring it. She turns to an entry she found a couple of days ago and begins to read to Violet.

"I've just been given another death wish. We're going back into the games, and unlike last time, I know certainly that I will not be the one to emerge. Haymitch has already promised me her safety and even though I am sure Katniss will try to bargain for my life, I know he will help me. He's always liked her better anyway." Katniss stops reading for a moment to look up and make sure Violet is still breathing. When she sees the movement of her body, she looks back down again and starts to read. "I find it easier to accept the games this time around. Of course it's not fair, of course it's not just, but I at least know what I'm dying for this time. I'm dying for her. Katniss Everdeen. Everyone calls her the girl on fire but she's so much more than the Capitol darling. She's the girl with those two braids on the day I first saw her. The girl who sang so beautifully that I could not stop myself from falling in love with her."

Katniss has to stop now, because her tears are falling down onto the page. She hears the creak of the door behind her and barely moves when Haymitch sits down next to her.

"You remember that night?" he says, and she knows he has been listening in on her. "Just when the quell was announced and you came over to ask me to save Peeta. And you got drunk?"

"First and only time," she remembers with a smile. "I had a hell of a hangover the next morning."

"You know when Peeta came to see me, the first thing he said was 'I love her Haymitch. And I can't let her die.' I asked him why he was giving up his life for you when you didn't seem to feel the same way. I'll never forget his reply," says Haymitch. "He said 'Because loving someone, completely, unconditionally, means you never expect anything in return. They need her. Prim and her mother and Gale. No one needs me."

"I needed him," she points out, remembering how he said the very same thing to her during the quell, about how people would miss her if she was gone and yet no one would miss him as much. The moment she truly realised just how much she meant to him, how unliveable her life would be if he was gone.

"I told him that. Told him that you wouldn't let him die without a fight."

"And what did he say?"

"Nothing. Broke one of my good bottles and poured it down the sink. Then he attempted to storm out but his fake leg took a bit of the drama out of his exit." Haymitch lets out a soft chuckle, running his fingers down the glass cage. Katniss looks at him, seeing someone almost as broken as she is by the boy they couldn't save. "I should go and attempt to get some sleep. You should too, though that chair doesn't look too comfy." She nods, even if she has no plans to move. The concern is nice all the same. "Night Katniss."

* * *

Somehow, Katniss does fall asleep. She tries to stay awake, because she doesn't want to disappear from her daughter. But the thought of seeing Peeta draws her into an unconscious state, until she is snoring gently, slumped next to Violet.

She rises slowly the next morning, stretching out the sleep in her muscles. She is sore, probably from the position she fell asleep in last night. She yawns, blinking a couple of times before her momentary disorientation disappears.

And then her hands have to go out to the table in front of her because her chest has tightened to the point that it's a wonder any oxygen is making it down.

She hasn't woken up next to Peeta. She hasn't woken up in her bed. She's woken up in the very same chair she went to sleep in last night. Right next to Violet. On the train heading to The Capitol.

She's awake.


	9. Chapter 9

 

Gale Hawthorne stands on the railing of the carriage, wind hitting him in the face as the train moves at lightning speed. If truth be told, he is a little cold but it's easier to stand out here and actually breathe, like he can't inside.

His hunter senses pick up on footsteps from behind him and he can automatically tell who it is.

Johanna perches herself next to him, hunching over the railing. "If you think I'm going to apologise, I'm not."

Gale scoffs. "Of course. Why would the great Johanna Mason ever apologise?" he says, in a sarcastic tone powerful enough to rival Johanna herself.

Johanna sighs. "If you could look me in the eye, and tell me I'm wrong. I'll apologise."

But Gale does not look her in the eye. He continues staring out to the countryside. He is feeling a little dizzy looking at it but he knows the train has slowed down because they are close to The Capitol. "I'm not in love with her Jo," he says quietly.

"I think you are."

"I'm not in love with her," he says, strength returning to his voice. "And even if I was, it's not like anything would ever happen. There'll never be anything more. Not now." Gale's hands tighten around the metal railing. "Not after Peeta."

"I didn't say anything would happen."

Gale explodes, his voice almost so loud the entire train could probably hear him. "Then what's the problem?"

Johanna lays a hand over his. Her big brown eyes seem painfully earnest as they look up at him. "I won't be your rebound girl Gale, your second best. I just won't."

Gale leans his body into hers, his head tilting down at her. She seems like a dwarf sometimes when his tall, muscular frame looms over her. "You're more than that and you know it."

Johanna reaches a hand up and touches his chest. "Look, I know you care a lot for her. And you want to be there for her, and she needs you right now, but you can't be her surrogate Peeta forever. She has to move on, and so do you." Johanna reaches up on her toes and kisses his cheek. Gale closes his eyes for this brief, fleeting moment. If only things were easier. In a simple world, he and Johanna could have already run off somewhere, together.

When he opens them, Johanna is staring up at him sadly, running her fingers down her arm. "I should go check on Katniss," he says, the words coming out involuntarily. Johanna just nods, looking away and moving out of his embrace. He can almost tell what she is thinking – he is putting Katniss before her, again.

He kisses the top of her head and goes to leave. But he stops in the doorway, just to sneak a glance back at her, and finds she is gazing after him as well. "Just don't take too long," she tells him. "I won't wait around forever."

Gale takes off down the train, his head completely muddled. He is scared, scared that Johanna might actually be right. Of course he loves Katniss. But not like that, not anymore, he tells himself. He could never do that to Peeta, a boy who never did anything to him but love the girl he had loved all his life.

He reaches the medical station, where Violet is encased in her glass prison. "Hey baby girl," he greets, but he winces once the words come out of his mouth, his conversation with Johanna still very fresh in his mind. He cannot abandon Katniss or Violet. They are his family. He will not leave them, even if it means that he and Johanna will never be. "Where's your Mom?" he asks her, knowing anyway he will not get a reply. He turns around, searching the room. He expected Katniss to stay by Violet's side all night. But where is she?

He hears a noise, a strangled sort of sob, coming from somewhere in the room. In the corner, there are several chairs stacked against the wall. He peers closer, and can see a pair of legs poking out from some chair legs.

"Katniss." There is another small, feeble noise and he runs to her, pulling off the chairs one by one until the small, thin body of Katniss is revealed. She is huddled against the wall, tears plastered to her face. He wonders how she managed to lift all these chairs to trap herself. He wonders why.

Katniss looks up, and her grey eyes are so big and wide and fearful. She looks frighteningly young, like the scared little girl he met in the woods so long ago. "He's gone, Gale," she whispers. "He's gone."

 _She must have had a bad dream._ "Katniss it's okay," he tells her, reaching a hand out. He doesn't want to touch her in case she freaks out.

"I woke up Gale," she cries, her voice entering hysterical territory. "I didn't think I would but I did. He's – he's gone Gale. Why – why?"

Gale finally grabs her shoulders, trying to look into her eyes. It proves difficult when her head is rolling around on her neck so wildly. "Katniss, look at me okay? Calm down."

Katniss lifts her hands and places her palms against her temples, almost as if she can push out the pain surrounding her. "I love him Gale and he's gone. It should have been me. I should have died. I should die."

Gale draws Katniss into him until her rambles have become muffled cries against his chest. He just needs to calm her down. He needs to get her to stop talking and just breathe before she passes out. "Shh Katniss, you need to just breathe okay? Breathe."

"Gale?" It's Johanna. "What's going on?"

"Get her mother," Gale orders. "Now."

Johanna scatters and Gale continues to rock Katniss in his arms. He doesn't know how much time passes before Meredith Everdeen and Haymitch are behind him. Meredith rummages around in her pack for a needle. Gale lifts his eyes to her. "Are you sure you should do that?" he asks. He does not like the thought of knocking Katniss out, just to stop her crying. Shouldn't they talk to her? Try to keep her calm on their own?

"Let go of her," Meredith says, avoiding Gale's question. Gale reluctantly pries Katniss off of him. Katniss wipes her eyes and then she sees the needle in her mother's hand.

"Get away from me," she yells, kicking her feet out. Gale and Johanna both hold down her legs and Haymitch pulls her hands behind her back, pinning her upper body. She starts to scream, and mostly it's intelligible but they all hear Peeta's name. She screams it, so maybe he might hear it, maybe he might come save her. But he doesn't, and a needle goes into her forearm. Her legs stop kicking, her head droops and she falls into an induced sleep she hopes will bring her back to Peeta.

* * *

Everything is dark. There's just a voice, calling her. "Katniss! Katniss!" She turns around because she knows that voice. It's Peeta's voice. Yet when she turns around, there is no one. She is alone. Where is his voice coming from?

"Katniss, damn it, you need to wake up. You need to wake up." Peeta's voice is so angry and desperate and pleading all at the same time. He sounds so sad, so very sad. She doesn't want him to feel like that. "Please Katniss, wake up. I need you. I love you Katniss, please just come back to me. Just wake up and it'll be okay."

She tries to follow the voice but it is just too far away, he is too far away. She doesn't want to wake up, she doesn't want to stop dreaming, but even now, she can feel herself being reeled back into life's clutches.

"Katniss?" This time it is Gale's voice. Her eyes flutter open. He's sitting by her bed, purple shadows under his grey Seam eyes. "Finally," he says, leaning forward to kiss her forehead.

"Water," she croaks and he puts a cup to her lips. Once she has soothed her dry throat, she asks, "How long have I been out?"

"Couple of days," he answers. When Katniss raises her eyebrows, he shrugs. "Your body was pretty close to shutting down Katniss. They thought it was best to just let you rest, get some sleep. Heal."

Katniss tries to sit up slowly in bed. "And keep me from freaking out about Violet, right?"

"She's okay Katniss. It was only a mild case. She's going to be just fine."

Katniss feels like she could cry of relief but Gale hops up onto the bed beside her and slings an arm around her before she can. She nestles into his chest; she can still smell the woods on him and it comforts her. She wonders if Gale still feels something for her, if he has any lingering feelings left. If it tears him up to see her so traumatised. She feels almost selfish, having been missing Peeta so fervently for so long without realising what her grief does to other people. It doesn't feel fair to practically chain him to her side, because she can barely stand on her own.

"Where is she?" she asks.

"Down the hall. Your mother and Prim are with her. Johanna went to go and get something to eat." He sits up a little. "What happened on the train Katniss?"

Katniss bites her dry, cracked bottom lip. She wonders if she should tell him. He's her best friend, the one she tells everything to.

But no, this is much too difficult to explain, especially to him.

So she just murmurs into his clothes, "I can't do this anymore Gale. Without him…..it's just too hard." And it's true. God, she misses Peeta. She misses his big strong hands that held her when she needed comfort. She misses the smell of the wood oven that stuck to his clothes, how his skin tasted sweet, like cinnamon. She misses running her fingers through his blond wavy curls. She misses his goodness, how he somehow found a way to love everything about her, every flaw and fault she hated about herself. She misses _him._ It's a terrible physical pain in her chest, and she wants so badly to be rid of it but she just can't. She doesn't know how to be.

"You're not alone," Gale whispers strongly, tightening his grip on her. "You have me and your Mom and Prim and Jo. You have Violet. She needs you."

Katniss doesn't answer.

* * *

Later, when she has finally convinced Gale to leave her and go find Johanna, she sneaks out of bed. The hallway she wanders down is mostly empty but she sticks to the wall anyway. Eventually she finds Violet's room. She peers through the glass door and she can see her mother and Prim are standing with Violet. Meredith is cradling Violet while Prim peers over her shoulder, cooing, smiling.

She thinks of Gale's words, saying that Violet needed her. But thinking about it now, she can see that he's wrong. They could all take care of Violet as good as she could. Her mother would keep her in the best health she could and braid her hair. Prim would dote on her and be the one to give her boy advice when she grew up. Haymitch and Gale would always protect her, treat her like their own daughter. Johanna would beat up any bullies in the schoolyard that dared to pick on her. She would be so loved. 

"Katniss?" Katniss jumps. Johanna is standing behind her, holding a cup of coffee. "Should you be out of bed?"

"Probably not," Katniss answers truthfully. She leans away from the window. "If anything happened to me, you would take care of Violet wouldn't you?"

Johanna sighs. "Katniss, nothing's going to happen to you."

"I know that, but if it did –"

"Then I would never let anyone harm a hair on her head," Johanna assures her. Her smile takes on its usual wickedness. "I'd put an axe in them before they could try."

"Now, now, let's not kill anyone," Katniss mutters, allowing Johanna to lead her back to her room. She gets back into bed, and Johanna sits on the end of the mattress, kicking off her shoes.

"Ah, you're no fun," Johanna says, taking a sip from her drink. "You feeling better?"

"A little," she admits. She drinks from the cup of water that has been sitting at her bedside. Johanna stares into her own cup for a while. "Are you okay?"

Johanna looks up, a little startled. "Yeah, just thinking."

Katniss's earlier thoughts of wondering if Gale still has romantic feelings for her come up in her head again and she wonders if Johanna and Gale are having problems. And she wonders if she is the cause of them.

"How are you and Gale?"

Johanna smiles but there is something far too sad about it. Wistful. "There is no me and Gale."

"Oh come on, you're telling me that you don't like him. That he doesn't like you."

"I didn't say that. There are just…..other things to consider right now."

 _Like me._ Katniss doesn't say it and neither does Johanna but they both seem to hear the unspoken words. If it wasn't for Katniss, Gale might fully move on with Johanna. They get the life they both deserved.

Katniss feels guiltier than ever. She is sure Gale would have taken some fancy soldier job after the war was over and it was clear she had chosen Peeta. But because she lost him, because she is broken and she has Violet to look after, he feels indebted to look after _her_.

"I'm sorry Johanna," she says suddenly and Johanna's face reflects her surprise.

"You never did anything."

"Yes I did. I've done a lot of things." Katniss reaches her arm out and touches the back of Johanna's hand. "But I'll make them right, I promise."

* * *

They return a week later back to 12, Violet back in full health and Katniss no longer comatose. Katniss convinces Johanna to stay a little longer, telling her to stay for her benefit when it is really for Gale's. Every night she goes to sleep, she prays she might dream of Peeta again. But she doesn't. She reverts back to her nightmares of the old. Nightmares of the Games, and the Glimmer mutt, and Thresh smashing Clove's skull. And when she wakes up, she is still with Violet.

She loves her daughter, she does, and she does not want to end up regretting her. She does not want to look at her, and blame her for being alive when Peeta is not. But the feeling creeps in every so often and she _hates_ it. She hates herself.

Her daughter is going to hate _her_ one day if she keeps going like this. She's sure of it. She'll become what she always feared she would become - her mother, destroyed by the loss of her other half - and Violet will resent her for it, will detest this broken woman she calls a mother.

So one day, around six o'clock at night, Katniss decides to head into the woods. She methodically pulls her pants on and then her hunting jacket, laces her boots, every movement precise. She retrieves her pearl, pressing it once to her lips before tucking it into her jacket pocket. Then she reaches into her bottom drawer. Hidden between two layers of clothes is a knife It is one of Peeta's, found on his dead body. And without even really knowing why, she slips the knife inside her jacket. She feels... _in control_...having it.

And then she goes downstairs and she kisses her mother's cheek and she hugs Prim extra tight. She holds Violet for a very long moment, kisses her forehead, whispers an 'I love you' into her skin, breathes in her scent before handing her back to Prim.

"I'll just be gone a little bit," she tells them, a funny sort of smile on her face.

"Be back soon," her mother says, "or you'll miss dinner."

Katniss throws a glance back from the door. "I promise."

* * *

Gale totters around the kitchen, clearing away the toys that Posy has left out. He has become much more domesticated over the last year, helping out his mother around the house when she is off cleaning Haymitch's mess of a house and doing washing for the citizens that came back to Twelve.

But when he almost trips over a doll, he's had enough. "Posy! Down here now."

Posy comes skipping down the stairs, Johanna bounding down after her. She shoots him a grin. "Chill Hawthorne."

Posy batters her eyelashes, using her little girl charm to full effect. "I'm sorry Gale, I thought I got them all."

Gale sighs. He can never stay mad at her. "It's okay. Just take it and go upstairs."

Posy obeys and disappears upstairs. Johanna swivels sidewards, looking impressed. "Wow, you're a stern brother."

"Someone has to be responsible," Gale says, turning away from her. He passes the window and catches sight of a solitary figure. He can tell automatically that it is Katniss. She must be going hunting, he thinks.

"I'm going back to District 7 Gale." Gale rips his gaze back to Johanna, who has been standing in the background watching him for the last few moments.

He goes to her immediately. "Don't go Jo. Stay."

"I can't stay here Gale, it's not my life."

"It could be," he says. Without a moment's more thought, he leans forward and kisses her. He's kissed many girls in his lifetime. Until now, the only kiss that had ever mattered was Katniss's. But now, this one, makes that other kiss seem like nothing. The boy who kissed Katniss, so suddenly and fleetingly in the woods all those years ago, is gone. All that is left now is this man, this strong, kind, passionate man. And the woman whose soul is just as fierce as his own.

"Stay," he whispers against her lips when they finally separate.

She stares up at him and he can see her deliberating. He thinks that he is changing her mind when the door opens and in comes Prim.

"Hey guys." Johanna leans out of his grasp automatically, stepping away a little sheepishly. Gale could curse Prim but she is just too likable and adorable for him to be mad at her for too long, just like Posy. "I can't find any of Violet's bottles. Do you know where Katniss went?"

Gale suddenly remembers what he was doing before he was interrupted by Johanna. "I saw her going out to the woods."

"What's she doing out in the woods?" Johanna asks. "It's getting dark."

Gale frowns. It is getting dark and Katniss knows better not to disappear into the woods at night time. It is one of the first rules of hunting, especially when you're alone.

Johanna notices the expression on Gale's face and touches his arm. "What are you thinking?"

Gale looks down at her before lifting his eyes across the room to Prim. He doesn't want to worry her for no reason. "I'll go find her okay. Don't worry little Primrose," he says with as much of a smile he can muster. He ruffles her blonde hair before heading for the exit. Johanna follows him to the door. "I'll wait for you," she says softly.

"Thank you," he replies, and he gives her another quick kiss before disappearing into the dark.

* * *

Katniss weighs Peeta's knife in her palms. She holds it with a firm, steady hand. She finds that it is very different to holding her bow. With her bow, she is confident, assured – she knows who she is with it. Katniss Everdeen, the girl from 12 who hunted to keep her family alive. She was a survivor. Yet there is only so much one can survive before the fire dies and the hurt becomes too much.

With this knife, this deadly, sharpened blade in her hand…..

She is someone else.

She is Peeta Mellark's widow.

* * *

Gale lifts the old barb wire of the fence up enough to squeeze under it. The sun has pretty much disappeared behind the horizon. Anyone else would get lost, except Gale knows every inch of these woods. He goes first to the hollow tree where they keep their bows. When he feels inside, he frowns. All four of their bows are still inside. Which means….Katniss doesn't have one.

But what is she doing inside the woods if she isn't hunting?

A mockingjay tweets above him, and takes up a song with its companions. The low hum vibrates through Gale's bones, turns his blood to ice. The mockingjays have taken up a song he knows very well. It is the song he recognises as the one Katniss used to sing to Prim when she was ill. The one she sang in the Games as Rue died in her arms.

 _They must have heard Katniss singing it and picked up the tune._ Gale raises his head. Maybe he can follow the tune to her. He takes a few steps through the long grass, calling her name. "Katniss! Katniss, where are you?"

There is no answer. All is silent, except for the haunting mockingjay song ringing out above his head.

Gale heads through a long stretch of wild grass. He has three ideas as to where Katniss might have disappeared to – the wide set rock under the oak tree, the lake, or the meadow.

He picks up his pace. He doesn't know why, but he just knows he has to find her.

* * *

Prim jostles Violet up and down. Her mother finally managed to find a bottle of milk at the back of the fridge and feed Violet. But now she is downstairs, helping attending to an ill little boy from the Seam and Prim has to handle a very tired and grumpy Violet.

Violet cries on her shoulder. Usually Katniss is the only one who can calm Violet down when she is so overtired like this. Prim is not used to doing this. She's only fifteen. She's the fun aunty, the one who regularly spoils Violet with gifts. She loves cuddling Violet but there are times like this where she feels out of her depth. Like now.

Prim heads down the hall to Katniss's room. Maybe these familiar surroundings will comfort Violet. It seems it does. Violet's eyes go a little wide, her mouth pursed mid-cry.

Maybe this will actually work, Prim thinks.

Except seconds later, Prim realises Violet stopped crying just to spit up down her clothes.

After Prim has cleaned both herself and Violet off, she sits down on Katniss's bed, rocking Violet continually. She cannot do this, she thinks. She is no Katniss.

Minutes later, after doubt in her own abilities has skewed her mind, Violet finally falls asleep, nestled into her arms. Prim rests back against Katniss's pillow with a sigh. Though she doesn't feel it, there is an envelope sticking out against the pillow. But in the end, she does not feel it, or see it.

And when she leaves, it is still there, the edge just sticking out from under the pillow.

If only she had seen it. Things might have been different.

* * *

The lullaby on Katniss's lips dies out. She is sure the mockingjays have picked up the song by now.

She lies back down against the tree, breathing heavily. Already her pulse is weakening, her heartbeat thin and erratic. The knife in her right hand slides out of her grasp, her palm slick with blood. The cuts at her wrists begin to flow crimson rivers down her clothes. Her eyes flutter and she vaguely registers the voice calling out her name. Ah, Gale. She hoped he might find her. It is why she chose their place – a flat, wide rock beneath a large oak tree – deep in the woods.

Her vision swims but she sees Gale thundering towards her, yelling her name. He drops to his knees, ripping off his jacket and trying to stem the blood flow. But Katniss was far too precise, her cuts far too deep. The red soaks right through.

He tries to drag her body into his arms but she protests. "Too late….stay here." Her eyes roll back into her head for a moment before they emerge into the light again. She feels as light as air, as if she could float away at any minute. And if she does, she's ready. She'll get to see Peeta again. And everyone else will be better off without her.

Gale cups her face with his blood streaked hands. "Come on Katniss, you don't die on me. You can't leave Violet."

"Letter…on bed….explain things." She made sure to write a letter of things to tell Violet when she was older, things to tell Prim and her mother and Johanna and Haymitch and Annie. Things she wanted Gale to know. Like how much she valued their friendship, and that she hoped he would find happiness with Johanna one day. She told Prim to make sure she read Peeta's diary to Violet every day and Gale was to teach her how to hunt when she was old enough and her mother was to prohibit Haymitch from ever getting Violet drunk.

Through the slits of her eyes, Katniss can see Gale glancing around helplessly. He seems to know as she does that there is no going back. They are too far out for anyone to hear him and by the time he gets her back, she'll be dead anyway.

He settles her head into his lap, stroking her hair. His tears fall down onto her face, and there is so much blood on them both, it's a wonder Katniss has still managed to keep consciousness. "Katniss, why did you do this?"

"Love him. Dandelion…..spring."

Then her eyes close completely, just as a lazy smile spreads across her lips, at the thought of finally being with Peeta at last.


	10. Chapter 10

 

When Peeta awakes, it is with an all too familiar feeling of hope bubbling within. But when his blue eyes swing sideways, the hope diminishes like a dying fire. Katniss is still lying next to him, her hands folded neatly over her empty stomach. Her chest moves subtly with her breathing but her eyes are closed. She is so close and yet so far away.

He brushes his lips gently against hers and climbs out of her bed. He's taken to lying with her because this physical connection right now is all he has. As Dr Cotler enters, he tries to fix his dishevelled appearance. His hair is unruly and his clothes are visibly creased and slept in. There is a trace of fine blonde fuzz even coating his chin. He almost looks like one of the Seam people his mother used to openly despise before she met her end in the bombs Snow dropped.

"No change?" Peeta asks, and Dr Cotler examines Katniss's charts. Cotler shakes his head and Peeta turns away so that he cannot be seen crying.

"You have to consider it Mr Mellark – "

"I will not pull the plug on her, do you understand?" he yells. He presses his forehead against Katniss's. He can feel the warmth of her blood from under her skin. She seems so alive. She _is_ alive. And he won't give up. "I won't let her go."

Cotler doesn't say anything else. He fiddles with one of the dials on the machines and gives Katniss's chart another look over. Peeta sits back in the chair by the bed and simply stares at Katniss.

It's been three months. Three months since the mutts attacked Squad 451 and left them in such bad shape. Three months since Coin executed Snow and the war finally ended; though she was quickly put out of power after only a month and replaced by Commander Paylor for suggesting a new Games with Capitol kids.

Three months since Prim and Finnick lost their lives and Gale left for some fancy job in District 2 after recovering from his injuries. He gave up hope after a month of Katniss not waking up, claiming he could not watch her die a slow death. But Peeta had a feeling he just did not want to be around when she woke up and found out that her sister was dead, and find out Gale might be responsible for it. Prim had been working as a medic while Katniss was in the hospital, helping out Capitol children in the midst of the war. And a bomb, very similar to the ones Gale had designed with Beetee, was thought to be responsible for the explosion that had killed her.

Peeta strokes back Katniss's hair from her forehead. "She's going to wake up. I know it."

Dr Cotler doesn't have the heart to tell him that she most likely won't. He stares at this boy, so desperately in love with this girl that he will never let her go. He has seen them both on television, the star crossed lovers from District 12. But in all his time as a doctor in the Capitol, he has never seen this kind of love, this kind of devotion.

Dr Cotler just nods. Medicine is against Katniss. But Peeta's belief, his love for her, is so seemingly strong, Dr Cotler wants to believe a miracle can happen. Just for them.

He exits and Peeta climbs back in the bed next to Katniss. "I don't know what's going on inside your head right now Katniss but you need to wake up," he whispers to her. "Please Katniss, wake up. I need you. I love you Katniss, please just come back to me. Just wake up and it'll be okay. I promise it'll be okay." But she doesn't wake up. Her eyes flutter under her eyelids, like she is having a bad dream but the rest of her body is as unresponsive as always.

So he curls up next to her body, his head resting on her side. He falls asleep by her side but is woken up a short time later by a nurse. She smiles kindly down at him. "Your daughter's awake Mr Mellark."

Peeta rubs his eyes. "Okay, I'll be there in a minute." He stretches out slowly, readjusts his prosthetic leg and takes off towards the nursery.

He should be grateful (and damn it, he is) that they managed to save their daughter. They had to get her out early before Katniss bled to death and killed them both. She was a little underweight at first and they had to keep her attached to machines for a while but she has grown enormously since she emerged as a wrinkled, red little thing. Just like with Katniss, it was love at first sight for Peeta.

She has his eyes, and Katniss's dark shade of hair. She is a piece of Katniss, one he can hold on to while he waits for Katniss to come back to him. To them.

He enters the nursery and picks out his daughter easily in the far corner. He picks her up slowly, and she stares at him with his own blue eyes. On her cradle, it reads 'Baby Everdeen-Mellark.' Peeta hasn't been able to bring himself to name her without Katniss. It is something they are supposed to do together.

"Hey Peeta." Peeta turns around and sees Meredith Everdeen smiling palely at him. "How's my granddaughter?"

"Good, I think," he replies. He is glad he convinced Meredith to stay when everyone else left. She wanted to get out of Twelve at all costs after what happened to Prim and was all ready to head to District 4 to work in the hospital there, and partially care for the widowed Annie. But Peeta persuaded her to work in the Capitol to stay around him, Katniss and their daughter while they waited for her to recover.

Haymitch wanted to stay too but he was proving to be a nuisance around the hospital. Consistently drunk, it became another full time job for the nurses to keep the intoxicated Haymitch from going near the young children and other patients. Eventually Peeta convinced him to head back to Twelve. He calls every couple of days, just to see how Katniss is but their conversations are always the same – no change. Her body is in perfect condition, though her muscles have deteriorated after lying in bed for so long. There's no signs of long term damage to her brain. She's fine. Except she just won't wake up.

"I was thinking I might bring her to see Katniss later," he says as his daughter makes a noise. "I don't want to forget what her mother looks like."

"I don't think she'll ever forget Peeta," says Meredith with a small, knowing smile. She pushes her blonde bangs away from her face and sighs. "No change?"

"No change," Peeta answers quietly, staring down into his daughter's eyes. She fits perfectly in his arms, like he was made to hold her.

"Has fatherhood sunk in yet?" Meredith asks, moving a little closer.

"Not quite," he admits with a raw, rough laugh. It’s been three months and he’s still not over that adrenaline, the intense all-consuming love that comes with having a child. "How long does it take?"

"Everyone's different," she says, reaching a hand out and softly stroking a hair on her granddaughter's head. "You're only nineteen. Don't be surprised if it takes a while."

Meredith Everdeen took the news that her nearly eighteen year old daughter was pregnant a lot better than Katniss herself took it. Peeta still remembers how hysterical Katniss was that night.

 

" _The test is wrong Peeta. It's just wrong, faulty, it is, I'm telling you!" she yells, throwing it across the room. She looks around the room, and it is like she is trying to work out what she can throw next._

_Peeta moves quickly to her, clamping his hands down on her wrists. "Relax, calm down, look at me." She does, and he can see angry, frustrated tears are clouding her eyes. He rubs the back of her hands with his calloused thumbs. "Do you love me?"_

_Katniss nods instantly, her bottom lip quivering. "Yes."_

" _Do you want to be with me forever?"_

_A corner of Katniss's mouth curls up, the beginning sign of a smile. "Yes."_

" _Then nothing else matters," he pulls her into his arms and she buries her head in his chest. "We will make this work. We always do. Even when the odds aren't in our favour, we always manage to get through. Right?"_

_He feels her nod against him and smiles with relief. He pulls her back and runs a hand down the side of her face until he is cupping her chin. He kisses her softly, slowly, carefully. "We are going to be okay. I am going to love you more than my own life, and I am going to love our child just as much. Is that okay with you?"_

_She shakes her head stubbornly but she's almost smiling now. “It can’t be that easy.”_

_“It is," he insists. "So is the idea of me loving you and our child forever alright with you?” he asks again._

_Katniss laughs through her tears. "Yeah," she chokes out, but there is a wild, happy sort of smile on her face. "That seems okay."_

" _Just one more thing," he tells her. She tilts her head up at him, waiting with a little curiousness. He leans forward, kisses her again, just as carefully as before, and six words release out of his mouth as he withdraws._

" _Do you want to marry me?"_

_Katniss does not hesitate this time. "Yes."_

Peeta gently lays his daughter back down. "I love you," he tells her and she gurgles in response. He likes to think this is her way of saying 'I love you' back.

He goes to leave but Meredith takes a hold of his arm. "I can't watch Katniss like this any longer Peeta," she says. "I can't wait around and watch her die anymore."

"She's not dying Meredith. She's going to wake up. You'll see."

Meredith shakes her head, tears spilling down her face. "Only a week more Peeta and I'm leaving. I have to go. I won't watch her die like I watched Prim die," she says, her voice breaking on Prim's name. "I can't."

Peeta understands. He doesn't want to but he does. He knows how difficult it is for him, but for a woman who has already lost her husband, her youngest daughter and is now watching Katniss struggle to regain consciousness. It has been a very hard few months for them both.

"Okay," Peeta finds himself saying. "A week more."

* * *

Six days later, Peeta is doing the one thing he swore he wouldn't do – losing hope. Meredith has packed her bags and is ready to say goodbye to her oldest daughter and escape the river of grief that has almost drowned her.

Peeta never leaves Katniss. He can't. Sometimes he takes their daughter to visit her, and the three of them sit on the bed together, like some kind of perfect family. He talks and tells her about the world and he imagines what Katniss's replies would be like, the expressions on her face.

"You should see her, Katniss," he says on the seventh night. Meredith is moments away from her own goodbye and Peeta needs her to wake up to keep her mother with her. "She's getting so big. She smiled for the first time yesterday. A proper smile. And you know what made her smile? You. She loves you. I love you." He intertwines their fingers. "I need you to wake up Katniss. I need you to wake up because I can't do this without you. She doesn't even have a name yet Katniss." He buries his head in the bed, crying into the sheets. "I don't know what to call her."

Katniss Everdeen opens her eyes at that moment, and simply says, "Violet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who haven't read this on fanfiction before, did anyone see that coming? There's a little epilogue to come that will tie up all the loose ends. It won't be up for a couple of days as I am going away but I promise I won't make you wait too long :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the epilogue guys. Thank you for all of the love you have shown this story, much appreciated.

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am nineteen years old. Peeta Mellark is my husband. We have a daughter named Violet. The Games are over. I was in a coma but I'm okay now. Everything is okay. At least, that is what they tell me…_

Katniss Everdeen stands in the middle of a rebuilt District 12. The sun sets just over the horizon, the normally blue sky streaked with purple and orange. Sunset orange. It is Peeta's favourite colour. She remembers him telling her once, after the games, but the memory is frayed at the edges. It had been taken over by new ones that she doesn't think will ever go away.

"Katniss?" Peeta says. He is standing in front of their house in the Victors Village, suitcases in hand. She turns slowly at her name, and Peeta is smiling gently at her. His blonde hair, a little raggedy and long, has been combed back away from his cleanly shaven face. He looks as young as his nineteen years.

"You coming?" he asks, holding a hand out to her. She stares at it, like it is a foreign object. Violet stirs sleepily in her sleep in Katniss's arms – another foreign object. She has been a little disorientated since waking up. It might have something to do with the constant stream of drugs that have been pumping into her to keep her sedated for the first few days just so she didn't freak out. Or the fact she's been asleep for three months.

Katniss finally steps forward, her legs dully aching. With Violet in her arms, she follows Peeta into the house. They are finally home, two weeks after awaking from her coma. The doctors decided she would better recover in a familiar setting, instead of just sitting around the hospital. She was given a clean bill of health and permission to leave the Capitol and return to 12.

As they weaned her slowly off the drugs, and she became able to communicate more effectively, she requested to see Peeta. They had been keeping him away from her since that first moment of her opening her eyes, just to ease her back into her life. She had questions, so many questions.

 

_Peeta sits down hesitantly at Katniss's side. She watches him with wary eyes. She has been in this very position before. Twice. She has had Gale sit at her side and been informed that Peeta was dead. She has had Peeta sit at her side and been told she wasn't strong enough to carry their child or save Gale or Prim or anyone else. And now here she is again, when she is supposed to be dead._

" _Peeta," she says, tasting the word out on her tongue. It feels the same way as it always has._

" _Katniss." He says it with reverence, love. She has heard him say her name many times before and his voice never changes._

" _They said I was in a coma," Katniss says slowly._

" _You were. For three months." He looks down into his lap for a moment, and she sees a tear drop fall down his face._

" _I've been here before, you know, like in a….dream," she says, finding that the words necessary to explain do not come easily to her. "How do I know if this is real? It could be another dream. I could be dead."_

" _No, no I promise you that this is real," says Peeta, finally building up the courage to take her hand. Katniss chokes back a sob at this touch. It's everything. Real. So, so Real._

 _But she can't get too ahead of herself. She can't hope too much._ " _I've heard that before," she replies shortly. And she has. She still remembers bringing the knife across her wrists, the sound of her skin softly ripping open and the scarlet streaming down her body. She was dying. She did die. But according to the doctors, all of it, those two lives, were nothing but coma induced dreams. She isn't sure she believes them. She doesn't know what to believe anymore._

" _Are you sure?" she asks, her voice wavering._

" _Why don't we play a game?" he suggests, and they both tremor at the sound of that sentence – playing games is far too familiar. "You can ask questions about whether something is real or not real and I'll answer to the best of my knowledge okay?"_

_Katniss nods. "Okay. You and Violet are never ever going to leave me ever again. Real or not real?"_

_Peeta intertwines their fingers and his touch is electric to Katniss. "Real._

Over the next week, Katniss let Peeta in, inch by inch. And he told her as much as she wanted to know. That she had been attacked by the mutt creations along with Finnick, who had died right beside her. He and Gale had managed to take her back to Thirteen, where they delivered Violet and she entered into a coma. They all thought she was dead. But Peeta wouldn't let them take her off life support even when it seemed like she would never wake. When the war ended, they moved her to the Capitol with the world's best doctors but even they had no answers.

Her mother came to see her, and Katniss let her cry into her shoulder for a very long time. She choked out words about Prim and Katniss patted her head, soothing her. She already felt like she knew how to be without Prim. Those 'dreams' had helped in a way, preparing her for what life already had in store. Loss.

She loved her sister. She misses her now more than anything but it will be okay. Her mother told her that she was moving to District 4 to set up a hospital there. She would be staying with Annie, and her son Finn. Annie's 'condition' made it difficult for her to be a stable influence for her child and Meredith would help any way she could. Katniss accepted this fully, knowing that Finnick had died for the rebellion, for her, and right now, her mother was needed elsewhere.

 _Three months._ She has lost more than three months of her life. She still finds it hard to absorb.

Katniss finds Peeta has already set up a crib in the kitchen. She puts Violet down, and watches as Peeta lugs the suitcases filled with their clothes and things to the corner. He'll put them away later but right now, he just needs to deal with Katniss.

Peeta turns and sees Katniss watching him, an odd little expression on her face. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know really," she admits. "How am I supposed to feel?"

"There is no manual, no rule book on how to do this. You've been through a lot. It would be weird if you weren't feeling confused." He pours her a drink and puts into her hand. He's treating her almost like a child. She takes a sip and hands it back to him.

"You want to kiss me," she says suddenly, and he moves slowly towards her. His hands rise cautiously to her waist, resting softly on her hips, like he is afraid to touch her. Like he is afraid she is a dream instead of the other way around. He leans in until they are so close they are breathing the same air. "Real or not real?"

Peeta touches their lips together ever so gently. "Real," he whispers.

 

* * *

Slowly, Katniss and Peeta grow back together. It is difficult for Katniss to open herself up to Peeta again but they find what happiness they can. She still lives in fear of waking up every morning without Peeta and Violet or only one of them but they are always there. Only after three hundred and sixty five days does Katniss finally take advantage of the morning, does she welcome the day ahead instead of fearing it.

She falls in love with Peeta all over again, and they fall in love with their daughter. They spend endless nights memorising the feel of each other's body, experimenting with what a touch can do; with what a kiss can make them feel. They've never had this – time, endless time where the only distraction is Violet crying or Haymitch drunkenly stumbling in downstairs. They relish each touch, each kiss, because they both know how quickly things can be taken away.

She calls her mother every now and then, even speaks with Annie sometimes. They put Violet and Finn on the phone together, which is mostly just them making high pitched sounds, gurgling a few unintelligible words at each other, their means of a secret conversation. Peeta jokes that it is the start of a beautiful relationship for the two, and that they might even end up married one day.

Katniss imagines a scene in the future that she knows will never happen. Violet and Finn holding a toasting while she, Peeta, Annie and Finnick watch. Finnick would congratulate his boy for being such a ladies man, nudge Katniss's side and joke in a loud manner about how Everdeen women could never resist the charms of an Odair man. And Katniss and Annie would smack him over the back of the head, as Katniss pointed out she never once fell for his sugar cube line.

She feels sad sometimes, thinking about these scenes. She does it often, imagining moments with Prim that will never happen either. But then Peeta kisses her, and she is reminded that however much she has lost, she still has so much. And she should think herself lucky.

Haymitch becomes an ever present fixture in their lives. He is a grandpa of sorts to Violet, though Katniss does not let him around her daughter without an almost level of sobriety, something which he finds challenging. But he does it, because despite his rants, he does not want to be alone.

She gathers the courage to call Gale after a long time, and he drops the phone in shock at her being awake and alive. His voice is low and throaty, choked with emotion, as he apologises over and over again for giving up on her and for Prim. And because Katniss knows what it is like to live without the people she loves, she forgives him.

He tells her that he and Johanna have gotten closer, and this makes Katniss happier than ever. It turns out what he really needed to move on and realise his feelings for Johanna was to believe Katniss was gone forever. He tells her that he misses her and that he hopes she'll be okay and she wishes him the same. And then he tells her that he will always love her and she says it right back to him. She is able to say it finally, with Peeta's arms slung around her waist and his body pressed against her back, because she does love him. She loves him for hunting with her all these years, for looking after her family while she was gone, and for doing all those things in her dreams that he'll never even know about. But she has never been in love with him and that is the difference. He is her best friend and he always will be, no matter how much distance might separate them now.

All the time she is on the phone, Peeta holds her, and kisses her neck and whispers 'I love you' in her ear a million times over, and it reflects how far they have all come from all those petty jealousies that threatened to tear them apart almost a lifetime ago.

She is still gripped by those fake memories. They never leave her, never dim with time. The doctor says that though this is unusual, it is nothing to be worried about. They may never leave her.

And they never stop playing real or not real either. She can be standing by the sink, washing dishes, staring vacantly out the window, and she will turn suddenly to ask Peeta, "Prim's dead – real or not real?"

And so Peeta gently kisses the top of her head and sadly whispers, "Real."

She does this often. She later tries to explain to him what the coma was like, how torn she felt living in two worlds but he will never truly understand, though it is not through his fault or her own. It is just something that Katniss has been though, and now that she has, she will never take Peeta or Violet for granted ever again. When she begins to forget how much of a gift they both are, she remembers how it nearly tore her apart to have only one of them. How she took her own life, and she swears that she will never take that way out again. She shudders when she contemplates actually dying so suddenly now, and missing out on Peeta, and the wonderful woman their daughter will become.

"You love me," she says one night four years later, as they lie next to each other in bed, "real or not real?"

She's asked him a hundred times and his answer never changes. He kisses her as hard as he can, a hand twisting into her dark lock, and whispers against her lips a very assured, "Real."

 

* * *

Two years after that, a bouncing boy has joined his sister dancing in the meadow. He waddles after Violet on his chubby toddler legs, his head full of blonde curls blowing in the winds. He can't keep up with her but he tries to anyway. Katniss and Peeta watch them from a distance, arms wrapped around each other. They are only twenty six but they feel so old, and maybe they are; Haymitch constantly jokes that now they are just old married folk with two young children and sometimes Katniss agrees him with him. But she doesn’t tell him what she and Peeta get up to when they have even a minute of peace from the kids, though she’s sure he has some idea. During one unfortunate adventure, a couple of months after their son had been born, Haymitch had taken Violet for a walk and come home to find them making out - sans a few layers of clothes - on the couch. Violet hadn’t seen anything, but Haymitch had and he smirked at them for days.

She dreads the day where her children are old enough to understand the Games, when she has to explain how their innocence was stolen from them; how she and Peeta fought so hard to make sure that that would not happen to their children.

They will have to explain to them how much blood is still on their hands; why they both have nightmares of their times in the games; why Katniss is so protective over them both because she remembers all too well what she went through in those three lost months.

Violet laughs, tucking her dark hair behind her ear. She sweeps her little brother up in a hug, and he lets out a high pitched shriek that sends birds flying from the trees. They half fall over into the grass, giggling hysterically like the children they are. Peeta brushes his lips over the top of Katniss's head and she sighs contently. They sit so closely together that their body heat is almost unbearable to one another in the summer air but Peeta is loath to let go of Katniss and she does not complain.

They have not played 'real or not real' in a very long time, since the night they conceived Ryder (or Rye as Peeta likes to call him, just to maintain the Mellark bread tradition - and though she'd never admit it, the nickname is catching on) and she asked whether his love for her was real or not. But now Katniss feels a familiar feeling of terror bubble up in her; the one that creeps up on her just as she allows herself to be happy and she must ask him.

Katniss leans into her husband, tilting her head up to look at him. "I'm awake. This isn't a dream. Real or not real?"

Peeta dips his head, gazing down into her Seam grey eyes. "Real."


End file.
